Yesterday unfolded like any other day. I woke up, took a shower, got ready, and went to wake the kids. My partner followed suit, showering and preparing to walk the dogs. We loaded the kids into the car and dropped them off at school (or daycare, if we’re being technical). After working all day, we picked the kids back up and headed home.
Once we arrived, my partner took our toddler downstairs to see the puppies, who had been eagerly awaiting our return. Meanwhile, I took off our jackets—mine and the baby’s—and hung them in the closet. I slipped my shoes away too (stick with me, this is relevant). After changing, I returned to the kitchen, cleared off the clutter from the table, and then took the baby to the living room to play.
That’s when it started to bother me. My partner came back up, removed our toddler’s jacket and shoes, and placed them on the kitchen table before heading to the cupboard for a snack (yes, a snack for himself). That’s when I found myself saying, “Could you help me out and put Haden’s jacket and shoes in the closet?”
In that moment, I realized how wrong my phrasing was. It struck me that he wasn’t “helping me out”—he was simply being a responsible adult, my equal. I voiced it aloud: “Actually, can you just do it? It’s not helping me out; it’s just putting your child’s stuff away.” He didn’t reply, but he did put the items away, and I found clarity in that moment.
I made a decision then and there: I would stop asking my partner for help—except for rare instances, like when he needs to tackle a monstrous bug that seems to have come straight from the depths of hell. Here’s why:
1. It Undermines His Role
My partner is an adult, a fully functioning individual. He shouldn’t be seen as my assistant or someone who needs to be directed to be helpful. He is capable on his own, and if I need something done that he overlooks, I can simply ask. When he requests something from me, like getting the baby a bottle, he doesn’t frame it as being for him since it’s not. I’m not his assistant, nor is he mine.
2. It Places Unfair Burden on Me
I do not bear the full responsibility for maintaining our home or ensuring our kids are fed and clean. It’s not just my job. By using phrases like “help me out,” I inadvertently take on that ownership. There are plenty of things I desire to own—like a luxury car or a laundry-folding machine—but the complete responsibility for our household is not one of them. I only want to share that burden equally.
3. It Sends the Wrong Message to Our Kids
I don’t want my boys to think that simple tasks, like lowering the toilet seat, are favors to their partner. I want them to recognize the importance of contributing to a partnership, taking pride in shared responsibilities, and finding joy in their roles.
4. It Weakens Our Partnership
My partner is my equal and my teammate. We may not approach everything in the same way, but our main goal is to build a happy and healthy family (and keep our home relatively tidy). I don’t want to direct him or make him feel like he’s merely assisting me. His role is to be a father and my partner—and yes, to eliminate those creepy crawlers when necessary.
So the next time I find his clean laundry sitting in the dryer for days on end, I won’t ask for help folding it so I can do the kids’ clothes. Instead, I’ll just tell him to move his stuff out of my way.
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In summary, I’ve realized that reframing how I communicate with my partner not only strengthens our relationship but also sets a positive example for our children. By recognizing him as my equal, we can work together harmoniously in managing our home and family.