“Are you always this loud?”
“I feel like you’re being aggressive.”
“You’re just too much.”
“You need to tone it down.”
“That’s not very ladylike.”
“You seem unfriendly.”
I’ve heard it all. I’m too loud, too passionate, too assertive, too emotional, too sensitive. The reality is that I embody many of these qualities, but I’m not “too” much of any of them.
The issue (for others) is my direct communication style as a woman. I’m not one to overly apologize, nor do I feel the need to preface my statements with “I’m sorry, but…” or “I don’t mean to sound aggressive, but….” I’m not rude or unkind; I simply choose to address issues head-on without sugarcoating them. The patriarchy can take a hike.
Countless times, I’ve been told I “talk like a man,” and it has nothing to do with my use of colorful language—it’s about my ability to express what I think and feel when it matters. I don’t bully others into conversations, but I also don’t remain silent when I’ve been wronged or when I believe I deserve better. If I want a raise, I’ll ask for it. If someone hurts my feelings, I’ll communicate that clearly so we can resolve it and move forward. Why is being honest and direct attributed to masculinity? I refuse to accept that only women who conform to a more passive demeanor are viewed positively. Yes, I can be assertive, particularly when faced with unfair stereotypes, but that doesn’t make me any more flawed than anyone else.
I’m not too bold or too loud or too aggressive. I’m fiercely passionate. I care deeply about everything from nurturing my incredible kids to advocating for social justice, diving into captivating books, or hunting down the perfect cup of coffee (Stumptown is my go-to). I’m dedicated to issues like feminism, equal rights, and paid parental leave. (It seems that passionate women tend to disrupt the status quo, which the patriarchy despises.)
Since childhood, I’ve been told to “calm down” or “relax.” It took me a while to realize that those expectations weren’t mine to carry. I used to feel self-conscious about my loud voice, awkward laugh, or high energy around friends. But as an adult, I recognized that these traits helped me achieve my goals, stand out in a crowd (both literally and figuratively), and bring joy to others. And guess what? I genuinely love making people laugh. I’m not too hyper; I’m clever and sarcastic. I’m not too loud; I’m bold and brave.
And let me be clear: I don’t need to calm down. No one should tell me to do so, because chasing your passions means embracing life with full force. I refuse to let anyone diminish my personal qualities that I proudly own. If you condescend to me with demands to “calm down,” I won’t shy away. I’ll stand my ground. (Remember, I communicate “like a man.”) I can’t remain calm while dismantling the patriarchy; changing who I am is out of the question. This is my authentic self.
And about being called “crazy” or “too emotional”? That narrative has existed forever. When women express their emotions—whether it’s anger, sadness, or excitement—the world often tries to silence us by labeling us as “hysterical.” We need to stop allowing that! Yes, we may be emotional, but there’s a lot going on in the world that warrants those feelings. The world can be both harsh and beautiful, and we have work to do to improve it for future generations.
So, while we challenge the patriarchy, let’s also express our emotions freely. It’s healthy, it’s liberating, and it’s nothing to feel ashamed of. I won’t bottle up my emotions to appear more composed. I wear my heart on my sleeve and genuinely don’t care what anyone thinks about it. If that’s “too much” for someone, they can exit stage left or hit the unfriend button.
If you resonate with this message, know that you are not “too much” of anything. Do not let your partners, friends, family, or colleagues hold you back. Society may try to label you an outsider, but that’s only because you’re bravely stepping into your true self and demanding change. Don’t allow the patriarchy to bring you down any longer. Stay passionate. Stay loud. Keep pushing forward. The world needs your voice now more than ever.
Solidarity.
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Summary:
In a world that often labels assertive women as “too much,” it’s important to embrace direct communication and emotional expression. Passionate individuals should not feel the need to tone down their voices or personalities to fit societal norms. Instead, celebrate your uniqueness and demand change with confidence. Stand firm against stereotypes and continue to pursue your passions unapologetically, as the world needs your powerful voice.