Everything about my four-year-old, Lily, feels like a test. My partner, Sam, and I often joke that if she had been our firstborn, she would have been our last. This spirited little girl, with her infectious smile and fierce independence, has certainly provided plenty of material for my writing. Yet, she has her moments where her behavior can be downright exasperating.
You might be thinking, “Isn’t every four-year-old a bit of a handful?” Well, yes, but Lily elevates that typical behavior to a whole new level. Just a few weeks back, she was sent to the principal’s office during preschool for refusing to participate in an activity. When her teacher, Ms. Clark, encouraged her to join in, Lily called her and a few classmates “losers.” This is preschool, after all, not even kindergarten. It’s surprising, especially since we don’t use that term in our home.
This incident was just one in a long line of concerns regarding Lily’s conduct at school. I vividly recall picking her up one day when she cheerfully declared, “I was on fire today!” I asked if that was a good thing, and she nodded enthusiastically, while Ms. Clark behind her shook her head, signaling otherwise.
When people meet Lily, they often use terms like “spirited” or “high-energy,” but the truth is, she follows her own desires, regardless of any consequences we attempt to impose. We’ve tried numerous methods of discipline, from timeouts to restricting screen time and even early bedtimes. Yet, none of these seem to have any effect on her.
One night, after putting her to bed early for ignoring her mother’s instructions, she kept sneaking out. I ended up sitting outside her room, and when she requested another glass of water, I told her no, reminding her of her earlier behavior. Her response was, “You’re not listening to me, which makes you a bad listener, and you need to go to bed.” I could almost picture her, head tilting side to side, finger wagging in that familiar way.
It’s frustrating because while I want her to be a strong, independent woman who confidently asks for what she deserves in the future, I also need to teach her the importance of respecting others. Finding that balance feels overwhelming, especially considering she’s only four, and we still have many years ahead of us.
One of the most frustrating aspects of raising a strong-willed child is the judgment we sometimes face from other parents and educators. However, I believe we are doing our best. Lily is who she is, and I’m sure many parents of similarly spirited children are also working hard to navigate these challenges.
Not everyone is judgmental, though. When we met with Lily’s preschool teacher, we were understandably anxious. Sitting at a small table opposite Ms. Clark, a warm and friendly woman in her fifties, we discussed Lily’s progress in coloring and number recognition, which were both positive. After a few moments of silence, I finally asked about her behavior.
Ms. Clark paused thoughtfully, while Sam attempted to reassure her that we are aware of Lily’s challenges and are addressing them. Ms. Clark then smiled and said, “Yes, she can be a lot sometimes,” sharing a few humorous stories of how she redirected Lily’s energy. Then, she added something that changed our perspective completely: “I want that little girl to be who she is, because she is pretty amazing, and I have no doubt she’ll do great things in the future. Don’t ever dim her spirit.”
In that moment, Sam and I exchanged smiles, filled with a sense of hope about our daughter’s future.
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In summary, parenting a spirited child like Lily presents unique challenges but also opportunities for growth. Balancing discipline with encouragement is a journey, and with supportive educators and a positive outlook, I believe we can help her thrive.