Trigger Warning: Marital Rape, Sexual Assault, Domestic Abuse
Marital rape. Those were the words a lawyer used after delving into the intimate aspects of my marriage. Over the years, I had recognized that what happened was an assault. I understood it was unacceptable and degrading. I was aware it should never occur within a marriage. Yet, I hadn’t realized it fit the definition of rape. I hesitated to label it because he hadn’t physically restrained me or violently forced me. It began as consensual intimacy between spouses, but then the pain escalated.
He began thrusting harder, and despite my repeated pleas of “Stop!” the pain intensified. I could feel my skin tearing. His eyes were closed, almost as if he was in a trance, completely unresponsive to my cries. I was overwhelmed with fear and helplessness beneath him. I couldn’t escape. My screams filled the room, mingling with my tears, yet he persisted.
When he finally moved away, I rushed to the bathroom, horrified to find a significant amount of blood. Shock washed over me as I processed the trauma I had just endured. He feigned surprise and concern at my anguish, offering justifications: he couldn’t help it, he was lost in the moment, he had to finish. My mind was racing, and the pain was unbearable. I fled, demanding he never touch me again.
I sought refuge at a friend’s house, a nurse who suggested we go to the hospital. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. My husband worked in the ER for volunteer credit, and our small town meant everyone knew him—and me. Reporting the abuse felt impossible. Even though he was a paramedic student and the police recognized him, I just couldn’t take that step.
In the months that followed, I tried to move past that traumatic night, grappling with the reality of our situation. Just a couple of months later, I discovered I was pregnant with our second child. I still don’t know if she was conceived that night, and I couldn’t bear to examine the timeline closely.
I remained married to him for another six years. While he never assaulted me as violently again, intimacy was still painful, and I constantly feared he might hurt me. He was demanding in different ways, begging for sex and using guilt as a weapon. If I declined, he’d go silent for days, become angry, or offer to barter for what I wanted if I would give in.
Even simple moments like watching a movie turned into pressure, with him trying to initiate physical contact. He even coerced me into sexual acts during family gatherings, displaying an utter disregard for my feelings or the situation. His obsession with sex was all-consuming.
During my breastfeeding journey, he suggested I undergo surgery to change my body—not for my comfort, but so he could enjoy it more during intimacy. His focus was never on my well-being; it was always about his desires. This wasn’t love; it was a toxic cycle of abuse.
I wish I had been brave enough to press charges that night. I wish I had sought medical attention. The scar from that night serves as a painful reminder, and I still haven’t shared its origin with my doctors. Maybe one day I will. I’m no longer ashamed or embarrassed. I survived spousal rape, a form of assault that often goes unacknowledged.
“Did you know what you just described to me falls under the category of marital rape?” the lawyer asked as I began to sign the divorce papers. I felt a sense of relief wash over me; I was finally taking steps to reclaim my life, free from a toxic marriage and enduring abuse.
I come from a lineage of resilient women who have faced similar struggles—women who endured spousal rape and abuse yet managed to escape and rebuild their lives. They are the ones I look up to for inspiration, and I believe that sharing experiences can help break the cycle of abuse.
To anyone in an abusive relationship, trust your instincts. If something feels off, it likely is. Don’t hesitate to reach out and share your story. You are not alone. Many individuals are facing spousal rape in silence, unaware that what they are experiencing is unacceptable. You have the right to say no to unwanted advances, even from a spouse. No one has the right to force or coerce you into something against your will. Remember, you deserve better, and it is possible to break free.
For more information on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource at WomensHealth.gov. If you’re interested in ways to approach insemination, consider resources like this one or explore Make a Mom’s authority on the topic.
Summary
This piece recounts a survivor’s harrowing experience of marital rape and the emotional aftermath of abuse. The narrative highlights the struggle to recognize the incident as rape, the challenges faced in seeking help, and the long-term effects of living in an abusive relationship. The author emphasizes the importance of breaking the silence surrounding spousal abuse and encourages others to trust their instincts and seek support.