Updated: Jan. 29, 2021
Originally Published: May 3, 2019
As a parent, I’ve always known that my sensitive son had a flair for dramatic outbursts during his toddler and preschool years. You know the drill: when your little one is tired, hungry, or just plain frustrated, even the slightest mishap—like cutting their toast the wrong way or buckling them into a car seat—can trigger an epic meltdown.
Handling a tantrum-prone child, especially in public settings or when you’re running on fumes, can feel like an insurmountable challenge. While it’s easy to remind yourself that this behavior is “normal,” that knowledge offers little solace in the moment. For those of us with particularly intense kids, it’s natural to wonder if our parenting choices are to blame for their behavior. (Spoiler alert: Most of it is completely normal, I assure you.)
Around the age of four, I noticed a decline in my son’s tantrums. Though they didn’t vanish completely, they became less frequent. I found relief in the advice I offered to friends with younger children: “Don’t worry, it will get better.” I thought I had successfully navigated those tumultuous toddler years—until second grade arrived.
Something about turning eight seemed to unleash a new wave of challenges. For the first time, my son expressed dislike for school and encountered a classmate who became his nemesis. The after-school tantrums returned with a vengeance. I was shocked to see my “big kid” regress to that level of emotional upheaval again. Let me tell you, witnessing a larger child have a meltdown is a whole different ballgame. I remember frantically shutting windows, praying the neighbors wouldn’t hear the chaos erupting from our home.
What triggered these new outbursts? Initially, I was at a loss. A forgotten bagel or a game-related frustration would set him off, leading to a full-blown meltdown. It felt like I was witnessing a dramatic transformation as he crumpled to the floor, kicking and screaming.
My instinct was to question my parenting and worry about potential underlying issues. He was excelling in school and had just received a clean bill of health from the doctor. Traditional discipline methods only escalated the situation. Telling him to stop crying or threatening to take away privileges made things worse, and I didn’t want to dismiss his feelings.
After a few emotional breakdowns on my part, I realized I needed to change my approach. Time-outs were impractical for an eight-year-old, but I couldn’t just let him thrash around on the kitchen floor either. So, I suggested we go to his room together. He was resistant, and I even needed my partner’s help to get him there.
Once in the comfort of his room, I chose to follow my instincts rather than overanalyze. I asked myself, “What would I want if I were overwhelmed and couldn’t express my feelings?” That’s when I wrapped him in his favorite blanket and offered reassurance: “It’s okay to be upset, and you don’t have to explain why. I’m here for you whenever you’re ready to talk.” I then added a gentle request to lower the volume.
At first, nothing shifted. But gradually, his screams softened into sobs, and his body relaxed. As I sat next to him, he eventually nestled his head on my knee. “Sometimes I just have a really bad day and need to cry,” I admitted, and he nodded in understanding. He began to share his experiences at recess, revealing how he wasn’t picked for the kickball team and how a misunderstanding in math class upset him deeply.
It became clear that eight was a particularly sensitive age for him. Whether it was a developmental phase, the stress of our household, or just an off year, it was challenging. I don’t recall precisely when the tantrums faded, but they did, like all the tough phases that come with parenting.
What I realized was that the hardest part wasn’t the tantrums themselves but the self-judgment I faced throughout the process. I had no idea that school-aged children could experience such intense emotional outbursts. However, I’ve found that opening up to fellow parents of similarly aged kids often leads to shared experiences and understanding. Friends with teenagers even nodded in agreement, offering a glimpse of what’s to come.
The reality is that we seldom discuss these challenges, leaving many parents feeling isolated. I want to emphasize that older children can indeed experience tantrums reminiscent of their toddler years. This is perfectly normal. Often, it’s due to the immense feelings they are grappling with, feelings they are still learning to process effectively. Even adults sometimes struggle with this!
If your child’s outbursts seem uncontrollable or harmful to themselves or others, it’s essential to consult a pediatrician or child psychologist. Yet, I’ve found that simply “holding space” for your child’s emotions and being ready to talk when they are is often enough. And, of course, if they’re hungry, don’t forget to feed them!
Rest assured, this phase will eventually pass, just like those toddler tantrums did. And brace yourself, as I’ve been told that the tantrums of big kids are nothing compared to what teenagers can unleash. Oh my!
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Summary
Navigating the emotional outbursts of a school-aged child can be surprising and challenging. Despite previously believing that tantrums were a thing of the past, many parents discover that their big kids can still have intense meltdowns. Understanding that these reactions often stem from significant feelings can help parents respond with compassion rather than frustration. With patience and support, these difficult moments can be transformed into opportunities for connection and communication.