“Give Grandma a hug!”
“Wasn’t that nice of Uncle Ben? Go give him a kiss!”
“Say goodnight with a hug!”
These familiar phrases echo through many childhoods, but have you ever stopped to consider their implications? Just as adults cherish their personal space, children deserve the same respect. If we believe children are individuals in their own right, why do we impose our expectations on their bodies? I have made a conscious decision not to coerce my child into physical affection, whether it be with me or anyone else, as I honor his autonomy.
Reflecting on my upbringing, my mother often assumed my affection was her due simply for being my parent. Whether it was a kiss, a hug, or just a casual touch, her insistence has always left me feeling uneasy. Even as an adult, I find it challenging to navigate her expectations regarding my physical space. It’s bewildering to me that she feels entitled to my affection based solely on our relationship.
I resolved long ago to spare my son from that same discomfort. Though I carried him for nine months, his body belongs to him alone. The notion that my child owes me affection because I gave him life is not only misguided but harmful. The belief that we owe someone physical affection as a token of respect is unhealthy.
As a mother, I sometimes crave the warmth of his embrace. There’s something profoundly nurturing about receiving affection from our children—a quick hug or a kiss can brighten the day. However, I recognize that my desire for closeness does not override his right to decline. Typically, if I ask for a hug, he willingly obliges. But if he hesitates, I respect his decision and reassure him of my love without insisting on physical contact.
I’ve made it clear to my son that he never has to offer physical affection unless he genuinely wants to. I am indeed affectionate, but I always ask if we can share a hug. If he says no, I simply drop the subject. When he feels ready, he often initiates the hugs himself—showing that my respect for his autonomy fosters his comfort in expressing affection.
My parents grew up in an era when physical affection was often obligatory. If you thanked someone, you were expected to hug them—whether you wanted to or not. I never understood why a simple “thank you” wasn’t sufficient or why a hug had to accompany it. Thus, when I became a parent, I made a commitment not to force physical affection. I encourage my son to express gratitude verbally rather than through obligatory hugs. He knows how to show affection and is capable of doing so without pressure.
My son is naturally more reserved than I was at his age. Where I was outgoing and quick to connect, he takes his time, gauging comfort levels with others. Recently, we spent time with friends he has met before but hadn’t interacted with much. Initially, he was shy and avoided eye contact, but over time, as he felt secure, he reached out for hugs and held hands spontaneously. I never prompted him; his actions came from a place of trust and comfort.
In contrast to my upbringing, I believe that physical affection should be earned. Just because someone offers a gift doesn’t mean they deserve a hug in return. This principle applies to everyone—from family members to friends. A familial relationship does not automatically grant someone rights to your body. This pervasive expectation is troubling.
The same principle applies to farewells. I encourage my son to acknowledge guests when they leave, whether through a wave or a verbal goodbye. However, I have never insisted he hug anyone goodbye. Sometimes he does, but if not, that’s perfectly acceptable.
Forcing physical affection is neither authentic nor fair. As parents, we must teach our children about consent and bodily autonomy while also respecting their boundaries. It creates confusion when we compel them to show affection to those they might not feel comfortable with. Consistency in respecting their choices is essential for understanding important concepts like consent and establishing their own boundaries. They do not owe a hug or a kiss to anyone, regardless of familial ties.
This article was originally published on May 3, 2023.
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Summary:
In this article, the author discusses the importance of allowing children to have autonomy over their bodies, particularly when it comes to showing physical affection. Drawing from personal experiences, the author reflects on how forced affection can create discomfort and undermine a child’s sense of control and consent. Instead of imposing affection, the author emphasizes the value of respecting a child’s choices, fostering trust, and promoting genuine expressions of love.