Updated: August 23, 2019
Originally Published: May 3, 2019
When my eldest son turned 18 months, he suddenly became very selective about his food. Mealtimes turned into a constant battle, with him pointing to the snack cupboard and rejecting everything I offered. He would only eat meat, cheese, and bread, making me feel like I was feeding a warrior. In my frustration, I resorted to sneaking veggies into his favorite dishes and chasing him around with spoons of peas. Every dinner felt like a rodeo, with him laughing as I failed to get a bite in.
I vented about my struggles to a friend whose daughter was also a picky eater. She shared a story about how her daughter, Ava, requested different meals but refused to eat any of them—pasta, edamame, bagels—each time leading to more frustration. I could hardly imagine dealing with that for the next decade.
I eventually discovered Ellyn Satter’s influential book, Child of Mine: Feeding With Care and Good Sense, published in 2000. This book reshaped my approach to feeding my children. Satter, a registered dietitian and family therapist, introduces a “division of responsibility” for meals: parents decide when and what to serve, while kids choose if and how much to eat. She advises pairing new foods with familiar favorites, ensuring there’s always something on the table that the child enjoys. Most importantly, there’s no pressure to taste or finish their plates, and dessert isn’t contingent on their meal consumption. Family dinners are encouraged, allowing children to see their parents enjoying a variety of foods.
Implementing these principles has drastically reduced the stress of mealtimes. Now, I prepare a meal and serve it, allowing my son to eat what he prefers without any commentary from me. He can go for seconds if he wants, and he knows there are no alternatives. After two years of this routine, he understands the boundaries.
At nearly five, my son still prefers meat and bread over fruits and veggies, but without the pressure, he’s willing to try new greens more often than I’d expected. I’ve also been inspired to make vegetables more appealing, increasing my own intake. To my surprise, he enjoys dishes like lentil stew and roasted broccoli, while turning his nose up at lasagna, which is baffling to me. Some meals are “kid food,” like chicken nuggets or pizza, but I also include my favorites, such as Pad Thai, reminding him that everyone gets to enjoy their preferred meals occasionally.
Dessert isn’t tied to the amount he eats, and we typically indulge in treats during the day rather than at dinner. If he does have dessert with his meal, it surprisingly works out well—he often eats both dessert and some of his dinner.
The key phrase that transformed our mealtime dynamic? “You don’t have to eat it.” This doesn’t mean he never expresses dislike or makes comments about his food. Just the other day, he complained about his dinner choice, which nearly drove me to a meltdown. However, when he says “yuck,” I calmly respond with my new mantra.
This approach has freed me from incessantly nagging him to eat, allowing me to enjoy my meals without worrying about his choices. I no longer keep a mental list of what he will eat or resort to cooking separate meals. Instead, I prepare what I want, knowing that if he opts out of trying something new, that’s entirely his choice. It’s also empowered him to listen to his own hunger cues, as he often doesn’t eat much during dinner, regardless of what’s served. I focus on making earlier meals as nutritious as possible without stressing over dinner.
While it’s not a perfect system—some meals are repetitive and family dinners don’t happen every night—it has been effective overall. We no longer use food as a reward or punishment, promoting a healthier relationship with eating. Thanks to this approach, he doesn’t have to eat bok choy just to earn dessert, and he isn’t compelled to ignore his body’s signals.
The simple phrase “You don’t have to eat it” has profoundly changed my life and even my approach with my younger son, who is a toddler now. Sometimes he skips dinner entirely, and while I’m tempted to sneak in a few bites while he watches TV, I remind myself: he doesn’t have to eat it. These six words have the power to end picky eating for good.
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In summary, by adopting a more relaxed and structured approach to mealtimes, we’ve significantly alleviated the stress associated with picky eating. Encouraging autonomy and enjoyment at the dinner table has made a noticeable difference in our family dynamics.