Lifestyle
It can be quite a challenge to be the mom who feels isolated, the one who doesn’t quite mesh with mainstream motherhood.
By Sophia Reynolds
Updated: May 27, 2020
Originally Published: May 16, 2019
I’m that mom who often feels alone. It’s not that I lack commonalities with others; we share experiences. I have three children, aged 9, 7, and 5, who are navigating their own milestones and challenges. They have their tantrums and moments of sweetness, and they manage to drive me up the wall regularly. Like many, I’ve got laundry piling up and bathrooms needing a scrub. We probably both enjoy a good coffee from Starbucks and share a mutual disdain for pollen while wishing we spent less time scrolling through social media. That’s usually enough to get through playdates.
But it doesn’t create authentic friendships.
I watch as other moms cultivate real connections. They share laughs, meet up outside of scheduled playdates, and enjoy Moms’ Nights Out. They have their inside jokes and gather in tight-knit groups at parks or other gatherings.
Not me.
I find myself moving from one group to another, never quite belonging. No one is unkind; in fact, everyone is incredibly nice. I genuinely like them and am always willing to help out, even babysitting in a pinch.
Yet, I don’t feel a connection. These interactions lack depth and meaning.
I just can’t seem to relate to “mom culture.” It’s never been my thing; I’ve never had much interest in it. Even when I became a mom, my disinterest in pop culture remained unchanged.
I’ve never tried on LuLaRoe leggings — in fact, I rarely wear leggings at all. There’s nothing wrong with them, but my collection of quirky T-shirts paired with jeans or a dressy outfit with heels sets me apart. I don’t carry those trendy bags that everyone else seems to have. My appearance is different.
Then, there are conversations. Everyone wants to discuss their children, and while I’m happy to share stories about mine, I long for more. After all, I am more than just a mom. When I attempt to bring up politics or world events, I quickly realize I’m out of my depth, feeling lonely and alienated.
When music comes up, I often find myself silent. I don’t listen to pop music and, residing in the South, I’m not into country or hard rock. I once tried to talk about the musical Hamilton, thinking it would be a safe topic.
“Too bad you can’t listen to that with the kids in the car,” one mom said.
“Learning all the words made my kids obsessed with the American Revolution,” I responded.
Suddenly, I was met with blank stares. It dawned on me that “all the words” include some colorful language, which probably wasn’t appropriate for a playdate discussion. Oops.
Then, when TV shows are mentioned, I find myself out of sync again, often watching obscure series on Syfy that no one recognizes. When popular shows come up, I feel left out, and it deepens my sense of loneliness.
Cooking is another area where I don’t participate — my husband handles that. So, there goes the conversation about Instant Pots.
I also avoid venting about my husband in public. Another topic off the table.
I gravitate towards unusual interests, like the Oxford comma, The Magicians, or the latest poetry book I’ve purchased. When something hilarious or absurd happens, my first thought is, “I need to tell Kelly about this.” Unfortunately, Kelly lives 700 miles away, and we mostly communicate through Facebook Messenger. When your closest friends are online, real life can feel even more isolating. It’s easy to find yourself reaching for your phone more often, which only heightens that loneliness.
As Jason Isbell sings in “Alabama Pines,” no one seems to care about what I care about. (You probably haven’t heard of him, and that’s okay.)
While my reasons for feeling isolated might differ from yours, I believe many moms can relate. Whether they’re into leggings and mainstream mom culture or not, feelings of loneliness and exclusion can persist.
As a lonely mom, there are numerous worries. Most pressingly, you fret that your kids might also feel lonely because their peers’ moms may not want to invite your family over for playdates. You question if there’s something inherently wrong with you. Why is forming close friendships so simple for others? You interact well with everyone; they’re kind and friendly. Yet, you find yourself without a best friend, without someone to lean on for help when life gets overwhelming.
You lack those connections to call on when you need a babysitter, someone to help with chores around the house, or a friend to vent to.
This lack of understanding and companionship is the most isolating feeling of all.
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Summary
Being a mom can often feel isolating, especially when you don’t fit into the typical “mom culture.” While you may share experiences with other mothers, forming deep connections can be a struggle. This loneliness can cause worries about your children’s social lives and your ability to forge friendships. Despite the warmth and kindness of those around you, the absence of genuine companionship can make motherhood feel lonely.