Today, while shopping for groceries, I found myself in an unexpected discussion about breastfeeding with a young man who was bagging our items. He couldn’t have been more than 17 years old. My baby was in a carrier on my chest, gazing curiously at this teenager. As he helped us carry our groceries to the car, he began chatting about his younger sisters. I was taken aback by how comfortable he was discussing parenting topics at such a young age.
When the topic turned to the bottles I had just bought, he looked at me and said, “My mom breastfed all of us for as long as she could.” At that moment, I realized I was so focused on the awkwardness of the conversation that I didn’t recognize how his comment triggered me until much later. I doubt he intended any judgment, but it did make me wonder why he spoke so definitively.
This was the first time it hit me that others might question my breastfeeding journey. My family, friends, and even pediatricians had been supportive throughout my struggles, so I hadn’t considered that some people might look at me and think, “What do you mean you ‘can’t’ breastfeed?”
From the beginning, breastfeeding was a challenge for us. We faced issues with painful latching, lip and tongue ties, severe GER (gastroesophageal reflux), and a consistently low milk supply. For over three months, we sought help from lactation specialists, nurses, and our pediatrician, while trying out various strategies from blogs and books. While breastfeeding can be tough for many new moms, it became a source of grief for me as it seemed impossible to make it work.
I genuinely wanted to breastfeed, believing in its health benefits and the unique bond it creates with a baby. However, the societal pressure to breastfeed often leaves mothers feeling immense guilt and doubt when they can’t.
I once wrote an article detailing over 20 reasons why some moms are unable to breastfeed. Many factors can influence the success of nursing, including support systems, early intervention, the involvement of experienced lactation consultants, and even emotional well-being.
As I drove away from the grocery store, I took a moment to reflect: “Did you truly give it your all?” The answer was a resounding yes. I tried everything I knew to do. If I missed anything, I was unaware of it at the time. I did my best.
You may not encounter a teenage grocery bagger discussing breastfeeding (I’m guessing that’s quite uncommon), but you will face critics, including your own inner voice. So, I want to remind you:
- If you gave it your all but—
- You still question if you did enough,
- You think you could have persevered longer,
- You realize you lacked support,
- You know you stepped back for your family’s well-being or your mental health,
Trust yourself. Believe that you made the best decision with what you had. Letting go doesn’t equate to giving up. What’s “best” may look different than you once envisioned, and that’s perfectly fine.
When you see sayings like “baby needs the boob” on clothing, or you wonder if your baby is missing out on “the gold standard,” or you watch another mother effortlessly nursing under a flowing cover-up,
It’s natural to mourn the loss of your expectations and the unique experience that only mothers can share. This isn’t about feeling sorry for yourself; it’s about recognizing a loss that isn’t often discussed but is still significant.
If you feel uneasy when asked, “Are you breastfeeding?” or when someone implies you could have tried harder, or when someone looks at you strangely when you say, “I couldn’t breastfeed,”
Shake it off. No one knows your baby better than you do. You and your child share an unbreakable bond. You understand her needs, even if they seem complicated right now.
Here’s the reality: You haven’t failed. You don’t need to prove yourself in other areas just because breastfeeding didn’t work out. This situation says nothing about your worth or abilities as a mother. You are the perfect fit for your baby, and whether you provide donor milk, pumped milk, or formula, remember that your love—not just your milk—is what truly matters.
This article was originally published on May 17, 2023.
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In summary, if you find yourself struggling with the realities of breastfeeding, know that you are not alone. Embrace the journey of motherhood in whatever form it takes and trust that you are doing your best.