As I sit at the park with a new friend, chatting while our children navigate the playground, my middle child strides over and boldly requests the snacks I’ve prepared.
With a calm yet firm tone, I meet her gaze and say, “Try again with respect.”
I can see her shoulders sag slightly as she realizes my response isn’t going to be compliant. Then, she calmly asks, “May I please have the snacks?”
I beam at her, give her a high five, and reply, “Absolutely!” She dashes away, juice pouches tucked under one arm and a large bag of veggie chips in the other. My friend looks at me in disbelief, asking, “What just happened?”
Puzzled, I inquire about her surprise, concerned she might be discontent with my snack choices. Instead, she expresses her astonishment at how smoothly the exchange went. Her own kids, she explains, would have thrown a fit if she didn’t immediately hand over treats, arguing about juice flavors and food variety.
Responses like hers are quite typical. When I share that we practice a parenting style called Empowered to Connect (ETC), I often encounter skepticism and surprise. It might seem impossible that children can communicate respectfully, have their needs met, and coexist with their parents without excessive drama.
After a year of persistence and patience, we’ve successfully taught our children how to communicate with us, and how we should respond to them. I understand the initial doubt — I felt it too when I first learned about this unique parenting method.
With four kids, three of whom were born within four years of each other, our household faced a chaotic atmosphere. One of our children has sensory processing challenges, leading to some significant meltdowns. Additionally, my husband and I have quite different parenting styles; he often offers the kids numerous chances, while I tend to be more strict, leading to confusion about rules and expectations.
We recognized the need for balance and consistency, which would help restore peace in our home. While many parenting books exist, none intrigued us as much as ETC.
ETC is rooted in Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI), aimed at helping parents nurture children who have experienced adverse childhood situations, including maltreatment and toxic stress. I became particularly interested in this approach since all my children were adopted as infants, and every adoptee carries some level of trauma from separation.
However, ETC is not only beneficial for adopted children. With increasing awareness of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) — such as abuse and neglect — it’s clear that many kids face challenges that require a compassionate approach. Alarmingly, research shows that almost 48% of children have encountered at least one ACE, which can lead to various long-term risks, including anxiety, depression, and reduced educational opportunities.
ETC serves as a powerful response to parenting children who have faced such adversities. It teaches them that they are valued, secure, and capable of expressing their needs effectively.
The core principle of ETC emphasizes the importance of connecting with children before correcting their behavior. While “correct” may sound like discipline, it truly redefines how we engage with our kids.
For instance, time-outs are not a part of our parenting approach — yes, you read that right. While removing a child from a tense situation can be helpful, punishing them for feeling emotions by forcing them to sit quietly doesn’t address the underlying issues. Allowing children to resolve conflict without guidance is also ineffective. Instead, we create a calm environment to discuss what happened. If a child is upset and unable to communicate, we first help them regain their composure, which we refer to as a “time-in.”
Once they are calm, we engage with them at eye level, using a gentle tone and touch. We process the event together and identify what needs to be addressed, such as hunger, fatigue, or sensory overload.
ETC doesn’t give children a free pass; it offers them a chance to learn from their mistakes. This approach fosters attachment and helps them understand the consequences and expectations moving forward. Apologies and natural consequences are part of the process, as is connection.
You might wonder if this parenting method is time-consuming and exhausting — and it is. However, the rewards are significant.
Have you ever felt overwhelmed trying to enforce various consequences, hoping something would work to curb your child’s backtalk? This can lead to a cycle of frustration, where parents feel drained from constantly being creative with discipline.
Instead of resorting to yelling or unpredictable consequences, ETC provides clear, consistent rules for parenting. Children are aware of what is expected of them, which nurtures their sense of value and belonging.
After practicing ETC for a few years, I’ve found it to be a relief. While I’m not an expert and things don’t always go perfectly, I’m genuinely grateful for the healing and connection it has fostered within our family.
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Summary:
The Empowered to Connect (ETC) parenting method, based on Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI), has transformed my family’s communication and behavior dynamics. By emphasizing connection before correction, we foster respect and understanding among our children. This approach not only supports adopted children but also addresses the needs of those who have faced Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). Although it requires dedication and effort, ETC cultivates a nurturing environment, allowing children to learn from their mistakes while feeling valued and safe.