Sitting on the crinkly tissue paper of the exam table in the campus clinic, I felt a wave of embarrassment wash over me with each rustling sound it made. I couldn’t help but feel like my presence disrupted the serene atmosphere of the room. As a freshman at Penn State, this was my first solo doctor’s appointment, and I was filled with anxiety.
I glanced at the medical intake form, a new experience for me as I had never been responsible for my own healthcare before. Name, birthdate, and reason for my visit—these were straightforward questions. I was there due to a small sore on my right cheekbone, which I initially thought was a misplaced pimple. But it had grown, become itchy, and increasingly irritated. My self-diagnosis of ringworm led me to the pharmacy for antifungal cream, which, unfortunately, only seemed to nourish whatever was troubling my skin.
Filling out my medical history was more challenging. I come from a family with a history of obesity, high cholesterol, and a sedentary lifestyle. While conditions like cancer or heart disease may not be hereditary in the traditional sense, I felt burdened by the weight of my family’s health issues. My sexual history was even more complex. I had no clear understanding of whether I had been exposed to any STIs or HIV, and while I identified as a virgin by conventional definitions, my past told a different story. I am a survivor of sexual abuse, having engaged in sexual acts without consent for many years. It left me with a complicated relationship with intimacy and a lack of clarity about my experiences.
The intake form felt like a lifeline, finally prompting me to confront difficult topics. I was simultaneously relieved and terrified to share my story. I attempted to recount nearly a decade of sexual abuse by a relative. The medical professional reviewing my responses was compassionate, but I struggled to answer certain questions due to the fragmented nature of my memories. As survivors of abuse, we often face gaps in recollection, making it hard to articulate our experiences fully. It’s crucial to understand that lack of memory does not equate to lack of trauma; we often have to piece together our stories from fragments of recollection.
The medical provider, focused on addressing my skin issue, gently inquired about my history with sexually transmitted infections and whether I had ever been tested for HIV. I hadn’t been tested, and despite my abuser being female—placing me at a lower risk—the importance of getting screened for my physical and mental well-being was clear. The individual who violated my trust didn’t take precautions to protect me, so it was up to me to safeguard my health.
After a blood draw, I waited anxiously for the results. The sore on my cheek turned out to be herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1), not an STI but still a reminder of the stress I was under. The medical professional explained that it could be caused by fatigue or a weakened immune system. She emphasized the importance of safe sex practices, even in same-sex relationships, providing me with valuable information without judgment. I left with a prescription for Valtrex to manage the outbreak, which posed risks due to its proximity to my eye.
A few days later, the clinic called with my test results. Her voice reminded me of the crinkling paper beneath me, bringing a mix of relief and tension. Thankfully, I tested negative for HIV and other STIs. However, I understood that this was just the beginning. While I may have been physically healthy, the mental implications of sexual violence lingered, creating an ongoing struggle between the unknown and vivid memories of my past.
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Summary:
In this reflection, I share my experience of navigating a medical appointment as a survivor of sexual abuse. While seeking treatment for a skin issue, I confronted the complexities of my sexual history, the importance of health screenings, and the ongoing impact of trauma on my mental well-being. The journey to understanding my health was both challenging and enlightening, underscoring the need for compassion and care in addressing difficult topics.