When my mom called to share that her latest mammogram revealed some irregularities, a wave of dread washed over me. Deep down, I feared that her upcoming biopsy would confirm my worst suspicions: breast cancer. Unfortunately, my instincts were accurate, and by October 2018, she received her official diagnosis. Since then, she has faced a rigorous treatment plan that includes chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation.
Our family has encountered various health struggles over the years—from brain tumors to Alzheimer’s disease—so I’m no stranger to the emotional toll that comes with serious illnesses. However, nothing prepared me for the overwhelming feelings of helplessness and guilt that emerged after my mom’s diagnosis. It still lingers in my mind: “How can I support my mom while managing my own life?”
With my husband and I both juggling full-time jobs and our toddler just turning two, time is a luxury I can’t afford. There have been moments I wished I could simply quit my job to care for her, but that just isn’t feasible. I’ve also imagined retreating into solitude, allowing myself to cry and process everything. Yet, again, that’s not practical.
Dealing with Guilt
I often reflect on how I can assist my mom in coping with this daunting illness. Unfortunately, I feel inadequate in my efforts. My perspective is heavily influenced by how I watched my mom care for my grandmother when she faced her own breast cancer battle nearly 15 years ago. She managed to provide unwavering support while also handling her career as an artist and parenting a teenager.
Because of my own commitments, I often find myself wishing to be present for every treatment session, every doctor’s appointment, and every moment she feels unwell. The guilt of not being able to do so gnaws at me, making me feel selfish and utterly powerless. It’s heartbreaking to want to “fix” the situation, only to realize that I can’t change the reality.
One of the most challenging hurdles has been keeping my daughter away from my mom at the first sign of illness. Chemotherapy severely weakens the immune system, and the last thing a cancer patient needs is to catch a bug from a toddler. There have been multiple occasions where planned visits were thwarted because my daughter fell ill, preventing me from seeing my mom. This physical separation has been tough on all of us, especially since my daughter brings so much joy and motivation for my mom’s recovery.
Finding Ways to Help
I’m incredibly thankful for the support my mom has from my dad, our extended family, and her close friends. They’ve stepped up to accompany her to appointments and provide care in ways I cannot. I often wonder how to express my gratitude for their kindness.
Despite my feelings of guilt, I’ve discovered some meaningful ways to support my mom. Here are a few ideas that could also help others facing similar situations:
- Educate Yourself: After my mom’s diagnosis, I dove into research about her specific type of breast cancer and treatment options. While I learned more than I ever expected about medical procedures, it empowered me to engage in discussions with her and her healthcare team.
- Join Appointments via Phone: Since I can’t always take time off work, I call my mom during her appointments and ask to be on speakerphone. This allows me to stay informed and ask questions in real time.
- Take Detailed Notes: I make sure to document everything discussed during her appointments so she can refer back to it later. I send her organized notes via email to keep her updated.
- Organize Medications: The number of medications my mom needs can be overwhelming. I created a color-coded list to help her keep track of what to take and when, which was beneficial for both of us.
- Hire Help: For Christmas, I arranged for a housecleaning service for my parents. Knowing that my mom would be exhausted from treatments and my dad would be under added stress, this small gesture provided them with a welcome break.
- Be an Emotional Outlet: I encourage my mom to call or text me whenever she needs to vent about her frustrations. Offering her a safe space to express her feelings has been crucial.
- Send Thoughtful Cards: I love surprising my mom with handwritten notes. There’s something special about receiving a card in the mail that can brighten her day.
- Check-In Regularly: I constantly reach out to ask how she’s feeling. It’s a simple gesture, but it ensures she knows I care and am thinking of her.
- Be Present for Important Moments: I made it a priority to attend significant appointments and surgeries, knowing how crucial those moments are.
- Visit Whenever Possible: Now that my mom has finished chemotherapy, we’re able to see her more frequently, which has been a source of encouragement for both of us.
As my mom continues her journey through treatment, I anticipate adding to this list. I hope that in a year, we will celebrate her remission together—an achievement worth toasting.
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In summary, navigating a loved one’s health crisis is challenging, especially when balancing personal responsibilities. However, with creativity and support, it’s possible to provide meaningful assistance while managing daily life.