Recently, I found myself in a spirited debate with my four-year-old daughter, Zoe. She had her heart set on a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch, while I insisted that we were having peanut butter sandwiches instead. As I prepared the bread, I listened to my strong-willed little girl assert her thoughts on lunchtime, which is her favorite pastime.
For someone so young, Zoe certainly has strong opinions about our meals and outings. With her light-up Moana Crocs pounding the floor, she made her demands known. In a moment of frustration, I let slip a phrase that I often try to avoid: “You’re being quite bossy today.”
Zoe, placing her hands on her hips and meeting my gaze, confidently replied, “I’m not bossy; I’m a leader.” This was something we had instilled in her, and it was momentous to see her embrace it.
I paused, considering my next move as a parent. I could have asserted my authority and insisted on the peanut butter sandwiches, stifling her spirit in the process. After all, her older siblings tended to be more compliant, and I was tempted to keep things simple.
However, I reflected on the type of person I wanted Zoe to grow up to be. I aspire for her to become a leader—a woman who can stand her ground in any situation. I want her to be the one who confidently voices her opinions and feels empowered to do so. While her current definition of leadership may not fully align with adult standards, she is still very much just a four-year-old.
What struck me was that, even at her young age, she recognized herself as a leader. The courage she showed by correcting me when I called her bossy was impressive and indicative of the woman I hope she’ll become.
Zoe is our youngest, and the ongoing joke in our home is that if she had been our first child, she would have been our last. She has already been to the principal’s office for refusing to complete an assignment and has been known to look adults directly in the eye and say, “ummm… nope.” While many label strong-willed children with terms like bratty or defiant, they exhibit qualities in adulthood that are often seen as passionate or determined.
The truth is, if parents and educators don’t suppress these traits, strong-willed kids have the potential to grow into brave, independent adults who will challenge norms and suggest new ideas. As it stands, society often views a strong will in children as problematic, and it’s crucial to reconsider how we perceive these characteristics. Although it can be a daily challenge, it’s a necessary and worthwhile endeavor.
Returning to that moment with Zoe, I realized how vital it was for her to see herself as a leader. At my age, I still struggle with the label of leadership. In that moment, I recognized that she was already ahead of me in that regard. While we’ll have plenty of time to teach her the nuances of effective leadership, I chose not to assert my authority. Instead, I said, “You’re right. I apologize for calling you bossy. You are indeed a leader, and I’ll make you a grilled cheese sandwich.”
With a satisfied nod from her, I set to work on her sandwich, cut it into three triangles (just how she likes it), and then sat across from her at the table. “Let’s discuss what it means to be a good leader,” I suggested.
In sum, nurturing strong-willed children can lead to them developing into passionate and independent adults. By reframing our understanding of their assertiveness, we can encourage their leadership qualities and prepare them for the future.
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