As we drove towards the ice cream shop, my five-year-old daughter giggling in the backseat, I turned to my partner, Lisa, and said, “I’m sorry for being this way.”
We were deep in conversation about my anxiety, which had been particularly overwhelming lately. I manage programs for a Division I athletics department, and during the summer months, my schedule fills up with bridge programs for incoming freshmen. These programs demand countless hours and often involve navigating the attitudes of some privileged student athletes. Year after year, this workload exacerbates my anxiety, and this summer had been especially brutal.
While anxiety isn’t exclusive to summer for me, during this particular period, I felt trapped in a cycle of anxiety and mood swings. I was aware that my behavior was challenging for Lisa, but I was struggling to get a grip on it, despite my desire to feel normal. “I just wish I could be like everyone else,” I lamented, my voice heavy with the weight of years spent in therapy, medication, and various lifestyle adjustments, only to see my anxiety fluctuate unpredictably.
Living with anxiety feels akin to balancing a tub of water above my head—sometimes steady, other times leaking, constantly requiring me to adjust.
As I continued to express my frustrations, Lisa gently interrupted me, raising her hand. “There’s no such thing as normal,” she stated.
Her words hung in the air, and I found myself at a loss. Surely, there are people who navigate life without the constant burden of anxiety. “What do you mean?” I asked, puzzled.
“There’s no one-size-fits-all normal,” she clarified. Then, taking my hand, she added, “This is your normal.” She emphasized that everyone has their own version of normalcy, and she loved mine.
Having been together for nearly 15 years, Lisa and I have had countless discussions regarding my anxiety. Her positivity and optimism have always drawn me to her, but conveying the complexities of living with mental illness hasn’t been simple.
It’s challenging for anyone without firsthand experience to grasp the nuances of panic attacks or the days when getting out of bed feels insurmountable. We’ve had our arguments over my anxiety, researched it together, and I often found myself trying to explain my mental state to someone who seemed so unaffected by such struggles. I feared that my emotional turmoil might one day wear her down.
But her acknowledgment of my anxiety as “my normal” was one of the most compassionate things anyone has ever said to me. I’ve often labeled myself as broken, and the continuous efforts to “fix” myself have made me feel like an outsider. The fear of my struggles pushing loved ones away has lingered in the background.
Lisa’s words instilled a sense of acceptance in me, something I hadn’t fully felt before. She squeezed my hand tighter, and I returned the gesture. “Thank you,” I said, genuinely grateful.
By the time we reached the ice cream shop, my anxiety wasn’t magically resolved—it doesn’t work that way. However, I felt a renewed sense of security in our relationship. And for someone like me, who grapples with anxiety, feeling secure is a monumental victory.
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Summary:
In the midst of battling anxiety, Jake finds solace in the unwavering support of his partner, Lisa, who helps him embrace his struggles as part of his unique reality. Their conversation highlights the complexities of mental health and the importance of acceptance in relationships.