My daughter, Lily, returned home one day from the park in tears, exclaiming, “They left without me, Mom!” She sobbed into my arms, struggling to catch her breath. My heart raced, knowing she meant her two friends. “I’m sure they didn’t mean to hurt you,” I replied, though my words felt inadequate.
“I saw them run off!” she insisted, her distress evident. This girl, with a heart full of courage and loyalty, was deeply affected. I wanted nothing more than to comfort her, but as I prepared to offer soothing words, a realization struck me: her feelings were valid and deserved acknowledgment.
Reflecting on my own experiences as a near-40-year-old woman, I recognized the parallels. I decided to share in her pain rather than dismiss it. “I understand how you feel,” I told her, and her tears subsided slightly as she looked at me with curiosity. “Even adults struggle with friendships,” I continued. “I’ve had moments when friends gathered without me, and it stings.” This truth resonated with her, and we agreed that friendship can be complicated.
Lily remained firm in her belief that her friends were mean for leaving her out. I shared a method I use to evaluate friendships when my feelings are hurt. I ask myself three questions:
- Have I felt this way about this person before?
- Does this person usually make me feel worse rather than better?
- Have they harmed others in ways that I was relieved not to experience?
If the answer to any is yes, then the friend may be intentionally unkind. If no, then it was likely an unintentional mistake. Lily answered negatively to all three and decided to forgive her friends for their oversight.
“But why would someone choose to be mean?” she asked. I explained that jealousy often drives such behavior. People may act unkindly when they feel insecure, threatened by someone else’s success or happiness. I kept my explanation simple, avoiding the darker aspects of such dynamics, like gossip or manipulation. Mean individuals can be charming and socially adept, making their actions confusing and painful for others. It can leave one questioning their worth and sanity.
I asked Lily if she wanted help addressing her feelings with her friends, but she opted to handle it herself. I reminded her of my unconditional love for her just as she is. In that moment, I realized I was providing her with a powerful life lesson: the antidote to jealousy is security. This sense of security can help her navigate the rough waters of jealousy, both in herself and from others.
As I hugged her, I said, “Everyone has their turn to shine.” She looked puzzled, so I elaborated, explaining that her friends might have been envious of her for some reason. I encouraged her to recognize that everyone’s journey is unique and that true friends uplift one another. When jealousy arises, she should come to me, and I’ll remind her of her greatness.
I want Lily to understand that while mean girls exist, there are also many who support and uplift each other. It’s crucial to seek out those friendships and be that kind of friend in return. If feelings of jealousy do arise, they shouldn’t be directed at others; instead, she should find someone to remind her of her own brilliance and trust that her time to shine will come.
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In summary, my daughter’s experience with exclusion highlighted the significance of understanding and addressing feelings of jealousy and insecurity in friendships. By fostering a sense of security and compassion, we can better navigate these challenges and cultivate healthy relationships.