Updated: Sep. 24, 2023
Originally Published: Sep. 24, 2023
The tragic passing of Marcus Reed, a prominent director of mental health services at a local university, struck me deeply. As I read the news, it felt as if I had been hit hard in the stomach. It puzzled me why I was so affected by the loss of someone I didn’t know personally.
Perhaps it was the proximity; we live near Philadelphia, and my spouse is an alumnus of that very university. Or maybe it was the tragic irony that someone tasked with supporting students against the very despair he ultimately faced could succumb to such a fate. As a mental health professional, I grapple with the harsh reality that expertise does not shield us from personal tragedies. It dawned on me that even my family isn’t immune to such crises, and it left me feeling powerless as I went to bed that night.
The next morning, I awoke with new questions swirling in my mind: “Why are so many individuals choosing to end their lives, particularly at prestigious institutions?” This led me to confront a troubling trend I’ve observed in my practice. Many parents come to me because their children are experiencing significant struggles, often turning to me as a last resort after exhausting traditional methods.
The issues faced by these children can vary widely—some are battling depression or anxiety, while others may exhibit rage, eating disorders, or substance abuse. Parents arrive feeling overwhelmed and desperate, having tried conventional counseling that often fails to provide relief. Common among these struggles is a relentless pursuit of perfection: being the top student, excelling in sports, or achieving the highest test scores. This obsession with success can become dangerously self-destructive.
Why do we teach our children that quitting is a failure? I argue that it is a form of self-care! If your child is no longer passionate about a sport, let them stop. If they are struggling in a class that doesn’t resonate with them, a C is perfectly acceptable. Why should we not encourage someone to leave a job that brings them misery? It’s crucial to recognize that the real tragedy is instilling in our children the belief that there is no escape from their challenges—except, tragically, through substances or, in the most heartbreaking cases, suicide.
Imagine if we could shift this narrative and empower our children to listen to their inner voices. Instead of pushing them to chase grades, we should encourage them to connect with what truly resonates with them. Teaching them that it is okay to change their minds is vital.
What if, as a culture, we valued self-compassion over rigid definitions of success? I believe that fewer lives would be lost to suicide or addiction if we could create pathways for our children to opt out of societal pressures. The current exits available often lead to substance abuse, mental health crises, and despair. We can and must do better.
Recently, I watched the film Yesterday, which, while lighthearted, carried a profound message: “Is this what you really want?” Whether it’s fame, a stellar job, or academic accolades, we should consider the full implications of our desires. As I often remind my clients, “Beware of the shiny objects on the horizon.” The pursuit of these things can come with burdensome responsibilities and stress. What if what you truly desire is simply to exist without the pressure of constant achievement?
My hope is that we can all take a moment to reflect on our choices and grant ourselves permission to redefine our paths, no matter our age. Let’s prioritize self-care over societal accolades. Instead of reaching for an unattainable ideal, let’s embrace the simpler, more fulfilling pursuits that resonate with us.
While I know little about Marcus Reed or the events leading to his tragic end, my nearly three decades of experience tell me that the happiest people are often those who embrace a simple, unremarkable existence. I’m not suggesting we abandon our dreams, but rather that we ensure they are genuinely our own, not merely a reflection of external expectations.
We must recognize that this approach is often the key to a fulfilled life.
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In summary, allowing our children the freedom to make choices about their paths—whether that means quitting something that doesn’t serve them or pursuing their true passions—can be a crucial step in preventing crises. By fostering an environment of self-compassion rather than relentless achievement, we can help create a healthier, more fulfilling future.