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- Why I Dislike the Phrase ‘Just Kept the Kids Alive Today’
by Lila Thompson
Updated: Sep. 30, 2019
Originally Published: Sep. 26, 2019
Trigger Warning: Child Loss
In the blink of an eye, my daughter was gone… just like that. As a parent, I felt it was my responsibility to safeguard her and guide her through the joys and challenges of childhood. But I couldn’t protect her, despite the overwhelming love I had, which felt like it should have been enough. Since that moment, I have spent countless hours grappling with the reality of her absence.
After the initial shock wore off, feelings of utter failure consumed me. I had always seen myself as a protective and devoted mother, yet one tragic moment stripped that away. I lost one of my children due to a twist of fate, and the guilt that followed was suffocating.
I felt like the worst mother imaginable. I feared that everyone, including myself, would see me as someone who failed at motherhood. My child’s death felt like the ultimate failure.
Sometimes, the “what-ifs” haunted me, threatening to crush my spirit. My grief was a physical ache, resembling what I imagine a heart attack must feel like. I could no longer utter the phrase, “At least I kept the kids alive today.” Instead, it felt like an unspoken weight hung in the air whenever it was mentioned around me. Family photos now served as painful reminders of my loss, leaving an unmistakable gap in every image.
Every registration form at the doctor’s office tightened my stomach in knots. My heart felt like an anchor, heavy and unyielding. With each day, the burden of self-blame grew more unbearable. I was existing, but even that made me feel guilty, as if living without her was yet another failure. Well-meaning comments from others often cut deeper than intended. “I couldn’t survive if my child died,” they’d say, or “I can’t even imagine what you’ve gone through.” They didn’t realize I once had those same thoughts, yet here I was—living without my daughter.
I resented the world for its naive assumptions and for the judgments I felt. It seemed to imply that only parents who didn’t truly love their children could continue living after such a loss. This was not a choice I made; my grief was a natural response to my heart-wrenching loss.
There were days when I didn’t want to move, speak, or even breathe after my child’s passing. Yet, my body carried on despite the turmoil within my heart. Life didn’t pause for this grieving mother. I couldn’t rewind time to explore every “what-if” scenario, no matter how desperately I wished to change the past. I had to accept that I couldn’t shield my daughter from harm, even with all my love.
These were my burdens to bear, and I knew I had to confront them one at a time. Until then, I had envisioned a perfect life for my family—a life filled with happiness that would stretch into our golden years. But in an instant, that dream crumbled, leaving me drowning in feelings of failure and guilt.
Yet, as time passed, I began to see things differently. My emotions following my daughter’s death were not signs of failure; rather, they were natural reactions to my grief. I had to recognize that not everyone would understand my journey, and that was okay.
For my own healing, I had to learn to let go of what should have been and embrace the beauty of what is. Gradually, I reminded myself that I am still my daughter’s mother. Even in her absence, she remains a part of our family, honored and cherished by her siblings each day.
I had to forgive myself for not being able to save her. Though she is gone, I have not failed as a mother.
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Summary:
Lila Thompson reflects on her profound grief following the loss of her daughter, challenging the phrase “I just kept the kids alive today.” She shares her journey through feelings of failure and guilt, ultimately embracing the reality of her situation and acknowledging her continuing role as a mother, despite the tragedy. Through acceptance and self-forgiveness, she learns to honor her daughter’s memory while navigating her own grief.