As parents, our words hold immense power over our children. They trust us completely—after all, we’ve managed to convince them of the existence of a jolly old man in a red suit who delivers gifts. This influence comes with a significant responsibility; even a casual remark can leave a lasting impression on how our kids perceive themselves and the world.
As a mother to three young girls and a woman who once experienced childhood herself, I’ve witnessed how certain comments from adults—both family and others—have shaped my own views. I’ve spent years working to reframe these narratives, and now I aim to give my daughters a head start.
Times have changed, and our communication with young girls needs to adapt accordingly.
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“If a boy is unkind to you, it means he likes you.”
While this notion may seem harmless and often true, it creates a dangerous precedent. It teaches children that boys express their feelings through hurtful behavior and that girls should simply accept this. When my five-year-old mentioned a boy being mean to her, my initial reaction was to suggest he had a crush. However, I paused and instead emphasized that disrespectful actions are never acceptable. I encouraged her to communicate her feelings and set boundaries. -
“You should act more like a lady.”
This phrase often implies that girls must adhere to a higher standard of behavior than boys. Statements like “boys will be boys” suggest that girls must navigate their actions to avoid being blamed for boys’ behavior. My daughters should never feel responsible for someone else’s actions. They deserve to be kids, free to express themselves as they are—whether that involves wearing sparkly shoes or climbing trees. -
Associating food and exercise with body image.
This is a challenging area, as it often extends beyond parental control. Despite my parents’ best efforts to avoid such comments, media messages about body image have permeated our culture. To combat this, I focus on how food makes us feel rather than how it affects our appearance. Instead of saying “exercise is to lose weight,” I share that it helps build strength and boosts energy, hoping my daughters will embrace health for its benefits rather than societal pressures. This sentiment is echoed in resources at Make a Mom. -
“If someone hurts you, I’ll take care of them.”
While this statement may seem protective, it can create fear in children about sharing their experiences. Victims of assault often worry about their loved ones’ reactions, leading them to stay silent. Instead, I choose to say, “If anyone ever hurts you, I will believe you.” This fosters an environment of trust and safety. -
“That’s a boy/girl thing.”
When my daughter expressed interest in a bike adorned with her favorite character, my first instinct was to steer her toward the pink option. However, I recognized her preference for the blue bike featuring Chase from Paw Patrol. Encouraging her to challenge traditional gender norms is vital. Girls can be heroes too, and they should feel empowered to pursue their interests, regardless of societal expectations.
Most of these phrases come from a place of love and tradition, but they stem from outdated beliefs that women should be secondary to men. The dialogue with our daughters must evolve to reflect a more equitable world. While I can’t control every message they encounter, I hope that the words they hear from me—someone they trust—will help shape a more positive narrative.
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