As a mother grappling with complex PTSD, I find myself in constant conflict with my mental health while raising my children. Recently, I sat on the floor with my three-year-old daughter, Mia, after a long and exhausting day. We were both in tears—Mia, yearning for my attention at bedtime, and me, desperately needing a break after the challenges of pregnancy with her little brother.
In that chaotic moment, as Mia clung tightly to my leg, I felt the tension rising within me. I understood her neediness stemmed from the upheaval in her young life. My pregnancy hormones and exhaustion were at their peak, especially after having to travel alone across the country for a family emergency just days prior. Mia’s screams escalated, and before I knew it, I had to step away. I handed her over to my partner and hurried to the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
Sitting on the dark floor, I was overwhelmed with a panic attack. I did something I regret admitting: I began to hit my head, hoping to find some relief from the emotional turmoil. This wasn’t the first time I resorted to self-harm; I’ve struggled with it for nearly twenty years.
In that moment, I wished I could explain to Mia why I felt so shattered. I wanted her to understand that my emotional struggles were rooted in a traumatic past she was too young to comprehend. How do you tell a child that their mother has endured physical and emotional abuse? How do you convey that I am just one of the many people dealing with ongoing PTSD?
Since Mia’s birth, my mental health has fluctuated dramatically. I’ve experienced panic attacks and muscle twitching that leave me feeling frightened and confused. In response, I sought help from a trauma-focused counselor, which has been pivotal in my healing journey.
Over the past two years, I have made significant strides in my recovery. I’ve learned to reach out for support instead of suffering in silence. I’ve relocated to be closer to my partner’s family, and I’m actively working with a therapist to manage my triggers. Recently, I even consulted a psychiatrist about medication to address my PTSD symptoms.
Despite my progress, I’ve come to realize that healing is not linear. One moment of overwhelming emotion can set me back significantly, and I still wrestle with painful memories from my past. While I strive to improve my mental health and be a better parent, I cannot guarantee that I will never self-harm again.
This acceptance has fostered a newfound courage and self-compassion within me. I’ve learned that it’s okay to be imperfect and to openly confront my traumas. This authenticity has deepened my connection with Mia, allowing her to feel heard and understood, no matter how intense her emotions may be.
As I navigate motherhood with both a three-year-old daughter and a ten-month-old son, I hold onto the belief that vulnerability can foster resilience. I am determined to embrace my journey of healing so that I can be the best mother I can be.
For those interested in exploring more about self-insemination options, check out this informative piece on artificial insemination kits at Make A Mom. Additionally, if you’re looking for more resources on pregnancy and home insemination, I recommend visiting News Medical, a great source for relevant information.
In conclusion, while the road to recovery is fraught with challenges, the commitment to healing is what ultimately leads to growth and connection. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made and will continue to strive for a healthier future.