“Hit the elbow! Hit the elbow!”
I heard my pre-teen daughter, Mia, calling from the other room. It’s not every day you hear someone encouraging a hit to the elbow, so I peeked in to see what was happening. Mia was patiently showing her older brother Alex, who has autism spectrum disorder (ASD), how to do a proper high-five. “You have to use your other hand and aim for my elbow,” she explained.
It worked perfectly. I was amazed to witness their successful high-five. Who better to teach Alex these essential social skills than his own sibling? Would an adult therapist have even thought to break it down like that? Alex is surrounded by two natural therapists, Mia and her younger brother, Noah, who support him all the time.
Now, I won’t pretend that the relationship between Alex and his siblings is all sunshine and rainbows. They bicker, tease, and annoy each other like any typical siblings do. But that’s the beauty of it: their dynamic is genuine and, more importantly, normal. For a child with ASD, normal interactions can be elusive, especially when it comes to relationships.
What Alex needs most is the opportunity to practice socializing with his peers—but in a safe environment. This is where his siblings come into play. Children on the spectrum often receive a significant amount of attention from adults, from parents to therapists, which can lead to a reliance on them for social interaction. Alex finds it easier to engage with adults, who can accommodate his unique ways. Yet, these adults aren’t required to forge real friendships, unlike his peers, who can be more challenging.
Unfortunately, adults are not always the best at teaching social skills. Over the years, Alex has participated in various social skills groups and has received a multitude of advice from well-intentioned adults on navigating social situations. He’s engaged in structured role-plays with neurotypical “peer mentors,” but the advice rarely translates to real-life interactions. The pressure of real-world scenarios often leaves Alex feeling more anxious, and his peers can be unpredictable.
This is where his siblings shine. They provide a candid, straightforward approach. When Alex was stuck in a phase of joking about flatulence, adults chose to overlook it, hoping he would outgrow it. But Noah stepped in and said, “Come on, Alex, that’s not cool for high school!” Kids with ASD often take things literally, and the straightforwardness of siblings is invaluable.
Siblings also offer acceptance. Alex, who attends classes with neurotypical kids, often finds himself on the outskirts socially. Even the nicer classmates tend to keep their distance. At home, when Mia playfully jumps on his legs while he’s sitting, it sends a message: he’s worthy of affection and fun.
Furthermore, siblings act as cultural guides. Mia and Noah understand the nuances of the social world far better than I do. They help Alex navigate the often tumultuous waters of adolescent social life. Just the other evening, I watched Mia and Alex working together on a group text. She was guiding him on how to ask a question casually, while Noah shared the latest news from his friend circle that Alex wouldn’t have otherwise known.
Being together without pressure is essential for kids like Alex. Contrary to popular belief, a preference for solitary activities doesn’t mean they’re loners. They thrive on social interactions, just in a less intense way. Siblings create an environment where Alex can be himself while still being surrounded by others. Whether they are all in their rooms doing their own thing or hanging out with friends, Alex benefits from this camaraderie.
For parents of neurodiverse children, the future can feel uncertain, much like navigating uncharted territory. While many of us know kids with ASD, there are few examples of adults with similar challenges successfully managing everyday life. I can’t predict what Alex’s future holds, but I find comfort in knowing that Mia and Noah will be there to support him, even if it’s from a distance. They may not always get it right and will undoubtedly have their moments of frustration with one another—after all, they are siblings. But there will always be love and acceptance, guiding him through the complexities of social interactions that many take for granted.
Like learning how to give a proper high-five.
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Summary:
The invaluable role of siblings in supporting a child with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) goes beyond typical family dynamics. Siblings provide straightforward communication, acceptance, and a safe space for social interaction. They help their brother navigate the complexities of relationships, offering a unique perspective and guidance that adults often cannot provide.