Back in my carefree, child-free twenties, I babysat two spirited young girls for a family. One afternoon, the six-year-old confided in me about her mom, saying, “Mom gets so mad! She yells a LOT, especially at Dad.” With a serious expression that only kids can muster, she revealed this little secret.
I remember brushing it off with laughter, but when their mom returned home, I felt a wave of judgment wash over me. I had idealized this mother, believing she was the epitome of parenting perfection. I even thought I’d follow in her footsteps when it was my turn to become a mom. But hearing that her temper was part of her reality changed my perspective. Although I had never witnessed her anger firsthand, I began to view her as a woman who couldn’t manage her emotions, the kind of mom I thought I would never become.
Fast forward to today, and I’m now the mom who yells. My mid-thirties self, with two children under four, knows the struggle of parenting burnout all too well. The list of things I’ve said or done in moments of frustration is both endless and embarrassing. In my weakest moments, I’ve hurled toys against walls and yelled “ENOUGH!!!” more than I care to remember. I’ve threatened to take away every toy and ban them from the park indefinitely. On particularly tough days, I’ve found myself in shouting matches with my three-year-old, who often finds my frustration amusing.
The anger I’ve directed at my family has exceeded anything I anticipated. Each outburst is quickly followed by a wave of guilt. I wish I could reach back in time to that mom I judged and tell her, “I get it now.” I understand why she might have felt the need to yell so much she needed to rest her voice. I would hug her tightly and share in that mutual experience of motherhood’s challenges.
Beneath the anger, there lies a weary individual trying to juggle an overwhelming number of responsibilities. While we often give the impression that we have everything figured out, the truth is far from it. We are managing appointments, cleaning, answering a barrage of parenting questions, and tending to the needs of tiny bosses who demand more than we can deliver. Many of us pour our hearts into motherhood without any financial acknowledgment, while others balance the chaos with jobs that keep our families afloat.
Despite our best efforts, we often find ourselves overwhelmed and anxious, with a to-do list that never seems to shrink. The absence of a supportive village makes this balancing act even more challenging. In fact, many of us have become our own village, and while this doesn’t excuse every instance of snapping at our kids or partners, it does shed light on the struggle we all face.
These days, I’m embracing my anger and actively seeking healthier ways to express it. I’m prioritizing self-care and reaching out to friends for help. I’ve even relocated to be closer to family, creating a stronger support system. Most importantly, I am learning not to let shame dictate my emotions. I remind myself that despite the yelling, I am doing my best every day. Just like the mother I once admired, I’m showing up for my children, even when it feels like a monumental task.
Ultimately, we are all doing our best with the resources we have. It’s time we cut ourselves some slack.
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Summary:
In this candid reflection, a once-judgmental babysitter transforms into a mother who acknowledges the intense emotions that come with parenting. After experiencing the struggles of motherhood firsthand, she learns to empathize with other moms and embraces her own anger while working towards healthier expressions of it. The piece highlights the complexities of parenting and the need for self-compassion and community support.