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By Emily Carter
Updated: Oct. 10, 2023
A few weeks ago, we made the tough decision to withdraw our sons from a local homeschool swimming and physical education program operated by a renowned health and fitness organization. It was a difficult choice, as they had formed friendships and our youngest was making great progress in swimming. However, we could no longer tolerate the program’s unacceptable approach: they resorted to public humiliation as a form of punishment for our seven-year-old son.
My son is a kind-hearted and sensitive child who also happens to have ADHD, which sometimes makes him overly energetic. During a game of sharks and minnows (essentially tag), he tagged another child a bit too hard, causing him to fall. Both my son and his brother, who witnessed the event, assured me that the other child was unharmed. Despite this, my son was punished by being made to sit against the wall for ten long minutes.
Isolation is not an effective disciplinary method for my son; we’ve never used it at home, and research from The Institute for Family Studies supports the idea that such techniques can lead to feelings of rejection. When he realized he was being isolated, he began to cry and instinctively turned away to hide his tears from the other children. Unfortunately, the teacher insisted he face forward, forcing him to endure the humiliation of being seen crying by his peers. The sight of my son, tears streaming down his face, for an entire ten minutes is a clear instance of punishment through humiliation.
Humiliation in a disciplinary context isn’t limited to extreme cases, such as forcing kids to wear signs that announce their misdeeds. We often fail to recognize the subtler ways we may shame our children, like calling them names or expressing frustration through dismissive comments. Psychology Today notes that using shame as punishment can confuse children, leading them to internalize feelings of inadequacy rather than learn from their mistakes.
For instance, when a parent rolls their eyes or asks, “What’s wrong with you?” in response to a child’s mistake, it sends a damaging message. It’s likely that many parents, myself included, have fallen into this pattern at some point. However, researchers like Andy Grogan-Kaylor from the University of Michigan emphasize that shaming tactics can increase anxiety and aggression rather than foster understanding.
What’s the Alternative?
So, what’s the alternative? It’s not about abandoning discipline altogether; it’s about shifting our focus from punishment to teaching. When discipline is employed correctly, it doesn’t humiliate but rather helps children learn from their actions. For example, if one of my sons pushes his brother, instead of reacting with anger, I might calmly address the behavior by saying, “I noticed you pushed your brother. Pushing can hurt others.” This approach not only names the behavior but also explains why it’s inappropriate.
Next, I would encourage a natural consequence, such as an apology or a brief separation to cool off. This method reinforces understanding and connection, rather than fear and shame. Of course, I sometimes lose my temper and shout across the room, “STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER!” but I always strive to apologize and teach my kids the importance of saying sorry themselves.
Humiliating children as a form of punishment simply erodes the parent-child relationship. We all want to foster a healthy connection with our kids, and recognizing that humiliation doesn’t work is pivotal. Yes, we will make mistakes, and we will have moments of weakness. But what matters is how we recover from those moments and continue to strive for a more understanding and nurturing approach.
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In summary, while discipline is essential in parenting, the method of humiliation is never justified. Instead, fostering understanding and connection through thoughtful discipline is the key to raising kind and respectful children.