Updated: Oct. 18, 2023
Originally Published: Oct. 11, 2023
When I first became a mother to my son, I never questioned my ability to be a nurturing and capable parent. Our days flowed seamlessly together, and every evening I rocked him to sleep, convinced that I was meeting all his needs. He was calm, kind, and bright, and I attributed those qualities to my exceptional parenting skills.
However, when I became pregnant with my second child, I assumed our relationship would mirror the first. I believed I could apply the same approach to this new baby, ensuring everything was balanced and fair. I thought I would excel at being a mom of two by using the same strategies I had previously employed.
But within a few months, reality hit me hard. My second son, while equally intelligent and wonderful, had his own distinct needs from day one. I quickly learned that trying to maintain a sense of equality in my parenting was not only impractical but also a source of unnecessary stress.
Of course, my husband and I recognize that children often cling to the idea of fairness, especially at certain ages. We do our best to keep small things equal—like giving everyone hugs, ensuring a similar number of gifts during holidays, and allowing each child to pick a restaurant for their birthday. They take turns and share toys, and we make sure they split the last cookie. We aren’t trying to instill a harsh lesson about life’s inequalities at such a young age.
However, when it comes to parenting choices, we prioritize each child’s individual needs over strict equality. Each child demands different levels of time, energy, and guidance to flourish. I’ve accepted that achieving a perfect balance is unrealistic, and that’s perfectly okay with me.
Before I had kids, I was convinced I understood what they needed. I read countless parenting books, which suggested that children required the same amount of one-on-one time to feel secure and loved. We tried that approach, but my oldest son preferred family time over solo outings. He consistently opts for activities that include everyone, which gives him a sense of connection.
My younger son, on the other hand, thrives on one-on-one interactions. A simple trip with just one parent can recharge him for the entire day. If I strictly focused on equal time with each child, I would be neglecting one of their needs. Instead, I prioritize ensuring that both feel valued and understood, regardless of how that looks for each of them.
I’ve made the conscious decision to stop keeping score. Abandoning the notion of absolute equality has long-term benefits. Kids who witness their siblings receiving what they need, rather than the same exact things, are better equipped to understand concepts of equity—distributing resources based on individual needs—over equality, which can lead to unfair outcomes.
I want my children to learn to advocate for themselves in various aspects of life, including education and social interactions. They should know they deserve fair treatment and that asking for help is a strength. However, I also don’t want to raise individuals who cannot grasp that fairness doesn’t always equate to equality. I aim to combat any entitlement they might develop, ensuring they recognize that as privileged individuals, their experiences may not reflect those of others.
Raising two children is not simply about replicating the experience of raising one. It’s more akin to managing two distinct full-time roles. My expectations for each child are tailored to their unique capabilities and personalities. In the end, this approach fosters a healthier environment for everyone.
Striving for equality doesn’t guarantee that everyone’s needs are met. Instead, ensuring that each child receives what they need contributes to a sense of balance. Ultimately, as long as we do our best to cater to each child’s individuality, we are fulfilling our duties as parents. If you find yourself overwhelmed by the desire for equal treatment among your children, consider taking a step back to reassess your approach. Chances are, if you’re concerned about doing the right thing, you’re already doing a great job.
For more insights on parenting and unique family dynamics, check out our other blog posts at this link. If you’re looking for expert resources on fertility and insemination, Make A Mom offers valuable information, and WomensHealth.gov is an excellent resource for understanding pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
Meeting children’s specific needs is more essential than striving for strict equality in parenting. Each child has different requirements for support and nurturing, and focusing on equity—instead of rigid equality—ensures that all children feel valued and understood. Abandoning the notion of equal treatment allows parents to raise well-adjusted individuals who can advocate for themselves and understand the complexities of fairness in life.