I wish I had understood a decade ago that Alzheimer’s disease would soon disrupt my bond with my mother. On Mother’s Day in 2010, I found myself across the table from her at one of Chicago’s upscale seafood brunch spots. At that time, I was a single mother working in the Loop, raising my two-year-old daughter. Every Friday, my mother traveled from Indiana to spend time with her granddaughter, which also helped alleviate my daycare costs.
That particular Mother’s Day weekend, I had invited my mom to stay until Sunday. The thought of having her all to myself was simply too wonderful to resist. I had saved enough for a babysitter and to treat her to one of our favorite places: Shaw’s Crab House. I had been eager to experience their famous Sunday brunch, and who better to share it with than my mom? As I looked across the table at her, sipping coffee and relishing the moment, I felt a significant shift in our relationship—we had finally reached a level of equality.
This development felt especially gratifying because, growing up, I never felt particularly close to her. While she was undeniably nurturing, we lacked the deep connection that seemed to bond many of my friends with their mothers. I never confided in her about boys, relationships, or even the small dramas of teenage life. My prom dress was an impulsive purchase I made with my own earnings, and when she saw it, she said, “I wanted to help you pick that out!” I remember being taken aback.
Fast forward to 2010: As my friends drifted apart from their mothers, I felt that my mom and I were finally finding our connection. Unfortunately, that closeness was short-lived. In March 2019, my mom was diagnosed with moderate Alzheimer’s disease after years of noticeable decline. The time I had imagined stretching out for decades since that Mother’s Day in 2010 was, in reality, limited to just a few years.
The Decline of a Mind
I first noticed changes in my mother during a visit after the birth of my youngest daughter in 2014. By then, I had relocated to Florida, married, and had five children in total. My mom, who had always been effervescent, seemed irritable and disoriented. One day, she got lost while walking with my youngest and couldn’t explain how it happened.
Subsequent visits revealed increasingly odd behavior. Despite my concerns, discussing this with my father proved difficult. In 2016, I traveled to San Francisco for a work project, and my mom came to help with the kids. On the first day, my husband texted me to say she was struggling. She kept asking when she would be going home and sat in the living room with her suitcase, waiting for my father to come and “pick her up.” While she found solace in doing dishes, she repeatedly apologized to my husband for not doing them correctly.
When I returned home, her condition hadn’t improved much. I spent the remaining days trying to engage her with the children, who had looked forward to these visits from their fun-loving grandma. We told them that grandma just needed some time alone, and they respected that. It would be another three years before her Alzheimer’s diagnosis was confirmed, heightening emotions within our family.
While hearing the diagnosis was painful, it also brought some relief. We finally had a name for what we were experiencing and a path forward for treatment. The pressing question of “what should we do?” was answered, allowing us to educate ourselves on the disease.
The Reality of Alzheimer’s Disease
As I delved into research about dementia and Alzheimer’s, I quickly realized how little I knew. One surprising fact was that Alzheimer’s is just one type of dementia—the most prevalent form—but not all dementia patients have Alzheimer’s. I was also shocked to learn that Alzheimer’s can be fatal. I had always assumed it merely robbed individuals of their memories, but it is a leading cause of death in the United States, surpassing both breast and prostate cancers combined, according to the Alzheimer’s Association.
A study from Rush University Medical Center projects that by 2050, over 13 million Americans will be living with Alzheimer’s or another form of dementia. The life expectancy for someone diagnosed with Alzheimer’s varies significantly; those in good health at diagnosis can live for 15 to 20 years. The disease progressively shuts down brain functions, eventually leading to death.
At 65, my mother was diagnosed, but we believe she had been battling the disease for at least five years already. Though her body remains healthy, the quick progression of her illness raises concerns about its ultimate toll on her life.
My Current Approach
The knowledge that my mother has dementia—just like her own mother—fills me with personal fear. How long do I have until this impacts my own life? Some research indicates that high stress in middle age may trigger early Alzheimer’s, while other studies suggest that coffee consumption could help fend it off. There is no definitive answer for preventing the disease or any cure.
I often find myself wondering if I will be able to recognize my future grandchildren. Will I have the cognitive capacity to enjoy their lives alongside them? I contemplate whether I will accomplish my goals, finish my writing, and leave behind a legacy I am proud of. I prioritize healthy eating, exercise daily, and turn down work that doesn’t inspire me. I cherish quiet moments with family, seek out new experiences, and express affection more openly.
I am fighting for the chance to know my grandchildren. As for my mom, medication seems to help manage her symptoms, and most days she is content. Our family is adjusting to this new reality and grieving in our own ways—my grief for the future moments that may never happen.
In this grief lies a realization: time is not infinite. Now is the moment to say what needs to be said, to write my thoughts, to embrace loved ones, and to prioritize health. Time is a non-renewable resource, and this moment is the one that truly matters.
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Summary
The author reflects on the profound impact of her mother’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis, detailing her journey from a blossoming relationship to the challenges posed by the disease. Through personal anecdotes and research, she expresses a desire to cherish every moment and emphasizes the importance of time and connection.