In my household, I have always operated as the primary organizer—a role I never explicitly sought but assumed after my marriage when my then-husband and I agreed that I would remain home with our children while he worked.
My upbringing, shared with three sisters and a single mother, didn’t provide much insight into how men typically contribute to family life. After my parents divorced, my father was largely absent, and my mother managed everything. Consequently, I adopted the belief that women were responsible for handling it all, and I fell into that pattern without questioning it.
I soon realized that men often don’t anticipate future needs. While I fretted over a stain on the carpet, the nutritional content of the cereal, or whether our child was reading at grade level, my husband focused solely on the present. He wouldn’t notice if our child’s pants were too short—moms do. So, we add that to our endless mental list.
Whenever he needed something, he’d rely on me for its whereabouts. I handled the laundry, and if something was dirty, he managed without it until I could wash it. I scheduled doctor and dentist appointments, and when I got pulled over for driving with an expired inspection while managing three small kids, I realized I had yet another task to add to my list.
Once we become mothers, our instincts kick in: Is the baby hungry? Are they breathing correctly? Why do I feel this way postpartum? Do we have enough food for visitors? What’s that unfamiliar smell? Meanwhile, fathers seem to be more focused on joking with friends about baby pictures.
No one checks in on a mom’s well-being, even when she is juggling work, cooking, cleaning, and parenting. Conversely, when a dad is spotted at the park with kids and a dog, then heading to the grocery store, he is often treated like a celebrity.
The mental burden has consistently fallen more heavily on mothers, with little support to alleviate it. We are urged to relax, let things go, and live in the moment. Fathers, in contrast, rarely worry about the state of the house or whether their children are wearing matching socks.
When the pandemic hit and schools closed, I was trying to set my kids up for online learning while also managing work from home. My ex-husband texted me, asking how we would navigate this new reality and requested that I ensure the kids completed their assignments before he picked them up. He reminded me to monitor their fast-food intake and requested I find out when their postponed dentist appointments would be rescheduled. This exchange underscored that he felt no hesitation in delegating responsibilities to me, as I had always been the one to handle them.
Life during the pandemic has introduced new challenges. A friend of mine mentioned that she and her husband argue after grocery shopping because he doesn’t see the need to sanitize items, leaving that task for her. Another working mother shared that with her business slowing down, her time is consumed with helping her kids with homework while trying to keep her work afloat, all while her husband struggles to manage bedtime alone so she can catch up on her tasks.
I’m currently dating a man in his 40s, and during our virtual gatherings, I discuss with my mom friends the financial stress, concerns for our kids’ welfare, and our exhaustion. Meanwhile, the men reminisce about wild college nights. They do not lie awake pondering the next day’s tasks or feeling responsible for everyone’s emotional health while neglecting their own.
The fatigue we experience stems from constantly considering what needs to be done—tasks that often don’t fall to us—and worrying about everyone’s well-being during these challenging times. Many partners suggest that we should simply ask for help, but the act of asking is yet another task we must add to our list.
Psychotherapist Dr. Robi Ludwig remarks, “Although many men have certainly stepped up, when there’s extra work to be done, it often falls on mothers. We are caregivers who want to ensure everyone is happy, taking on dual roles even while working.”
This sentiment rings true. Mothers everywhere are feeling overwhelmed. If you’re wondering why you’re so fatigued, irritable, and drained, know that your already extensive mental load has doubled due to the pandemic. You are justified in feeling this way, and you are not alone.
We should consider advocating for wellness programs for mothers after this crisis ends—or at the very least, for our partners to reassess shared responsibilities. For more insights into managing the journey of parenthood, check out this blog post on home insemination, as well as resources from Make a Mom and Facts About Fertility.
In conclusion, while the challenges of motherhood have always been significant, the current situation has intensified these pressures, making it crucial for us to seek support and understanding.