It wasn’t solely my postpartum depression affecting my feelings, although that certainly added to my sense of despair. I felt utterly alone, tremendously lonely, and nearly invisible. Every new stay-at-home parent with mental health challenges could resonate with this, but where was the proof? Could my claims be substantiated? Did everyone else truly experience this too? After all, they only go to work, engage with colleagues, and spend their days in an office environment. They don’t have deep friendships, profound conversations about their thoughts, or share their joys and sorrows, right? This seemed particularly true for men, who often have little social support and typically return to the office while their female counterparts remain at home.
Back in 2016, my situation felt far from unique. I could, and often did, go weeks without conversing with another person. Days would pass without any human interaction. My responsibilities—nursing, napping every two hours, pumping, cleaning—made it nearly impossible to leave the house.
So what?
“I only go to work; I don’t discuss my life with anyone. I’m lonely. Working isn’t social interaction,” my spouse, Mark, said.
“You don’t need to be friends to interact. They use their voices to speak to you,” I countered. “They even look at you while they do it.”
“This isn’t a luxury; it’s not me living the life you don’t have. We’re all lonely, we’re all alone.”
Yes, Mark, you’re lonely, but you’re not isolated. You’re not experiencing the near-total isolation that I endure. There’s a distinction.
Fast Forward to 2019
I was now a stay-at-home mom of two, with fewer significant mental health issues than in 2016, yet still largely isolated. I struggled to see friends, rarely left my home, and barely communicated with others—this is common when you have an infant, especially with a toddler in the mix. This pattern continued until a few months ago when I found myself isolated, not just by my circumstances but by government mandate. And this time, it wasn’t just me; it was everyone around me.
Mark, who had previously walked out the door while I was left milk-stained and overwhelmed with postpartum depression, was now part of the crowd instructed to stay home by his workplace.
And it was fine. He spent more time with our kids! He spent more time with me! He could work for four hours and then just stop instead of aimlessly scrolling through Reddit for the remaining hours. It was absolutely AMAZING. For weeks, it felt incredible.
Until it didn’t. Until today. When Mark expressed something so familiar that it nearly shattered my heart. He mentioned that he enjoyed working from home and wanted it to be permanent but that it was challenging. When I asked why, he echoed words I once spoke.
He said he felt isolated. He missed social interaction, missed seeing his coworkers and engaging with them. He longed for those brief moments of connection that are essential to being human—sharing laughs, shaking hands, maintaining eye contact. Hearing voices, seeing faces, and truly being present with others.
And for the first time, he acknowledged he understood what I meant when I first conveyed my feelings back in 2016.
I shed a few tears and instinctively exclaimed, “Exactly! This is what I’ve been saying for the past four years!”
Self-isolation became a new reality for many just a few months ago. However, for people like me, it has been a part of our lives for years, decades, even centuries.
You don’t need to be in quarantine to feel isolated. You don’t need validation from capitalism or anyone else to recognize the real experiences you’ve endured long before this crisis emerged. If you felt this way before, just without the added stress of Clorox wipes, I want you to know I see you. I understand how this adds another layer to your struggles. I know it’s not easy.
Some may argue that what stay-at-home parents experience isn’t isolation, that everyone—parents and non-parents alike—faces disconnection, and that this is just part of the job. While I understand the nuances of these sentiments, I also recognize how they can overlook the depth of our reality.
For four years, I have been surrounded by four walls with no one else.
And now, finally, Mark gets it.
This article was originally published on May 18, 2020. For more insights, check out other posts on home insemination kit.
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Summary
This piece explores the profound sense of isolation that many stay-at-home parents experience, which was only further highlighted during the pandemic. The author shares her journey of feeling invisible and unheard, and how her partner’s newfound understanding of isolation during quarantine has illuminated the ongoing struggles faced by stay-at-home parents.