In my upbringing, my father adhered to the notion that “children should be seen and not heard.” The few times my siblings and I noticed our parents erring, we kept our observations to ourselves, having learned early on that speaking up could lead to severe repercussions. The consequences ranged from public confrontations to corporal punishment at home.
During those years, I developed a strong resentment toward my father for his excessive strictness, which often left me feeling suppressed. Whenever I visited friends’ homes, I envied their freedom to express opinions about breakfast choices, room decorations, and even personal style decisions like piercings and clothing. They were allowed to voice their preferences, whereas I felt invisible.
Reflecting on my father’s upbringing, I recognize that his strict Southern Baptist background and military experiences influenced his need for control. His assertions of being “always right” and his aversion to vulnerability may have given him a sense of authority, but they also stifled my siblings and me, leading to difficulties in asserting ourselves in various aspects of life, including relationships and professional environments.
A defining moment for me occurred when my father picked me up, clearly intoxicated, from a high school dance. At that moment, I resolved to parent differently. I wanted my children to feel empowered to voice their thoughts and challenge my decisions.
For instance, when my son questions my navigation to a familiar destination or my comments on his brother’s wardrobe choices, I don’t view it as disobedience. Rather, I see him exercising the right to speak up for what he believes is correct, fostering an environment where silence is not the norm.
I appreciate when my children call me out respectfully. This isn’t about constant defiance; it’s about encouraging them to advocate for themselves and others when necessary. For example, if I’m irritable and taking my frustrations out on them, they remind me of the impact of my attitude. After all, I’ve taught them about managing their emotions, yet I sometimes falter in doing the same.
I felt immense pride when my daughter persisted about an assignment that had not been acknowledged by her teacher, despite my urging her to redo it. I know that had I faced a similar situation with my father, I would have quietly acquiesced.
I don’t pretend to possess all the answers, nor do I wish to stifle my children’s ability to challenge me when needed. Often, I forget simple tasks, like why I entered the kitchen in the first place. I want to instill in them the understanding that it’s acceptable to admit mistakes and to listen to differing viewpoints.
Furthermore, I aim to teach them how to confront authority figures constructively and convey their thoughts with kindness and respect. Most importantly, I hope that by encouraging them to point out my errors, they gain the confidence to address serious issues, whether it’s social injustices or uncomfortable situations they may encounter.
Interestingly, my kids often save me from my own poor choices, especially when it comes to indulging in snacks that exacerbate my gastrointestinal issues. They’re quick to remind me when my complaints about discomfort arise from my own decisions, such as overindulging in dairy.
Ultimately, whether the issues are trivial or significant, it’s essential that our kids feel heard. As parents, it’s our responsibility to create an environment where their voices can flourish.
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Summary:
Encouraging children to express their thoughts and hold parents accountable fosters healthy communication and confidence. Unlike traditional parenting methods that suppress voices, creating an environment where kids can respectfully challenge their parents prepares them for real-world situations and social issues.