Throughout my pregnancies, I often encountered the phrase, “As long as he’s healthy.” Initially, it struck me as a harmless sentiment, but over time, it has become a phrase I deeply resent.
Typically, I heard it from acquaintances or even strangers. The exchanges were always similar:
Them: “Oh! (noticing my baby bump) When’s your due date?”
Me: “In June.”
Them: “Do you know if it’s a boy or girl?”
Me: “A boy.”
Them: “That’s wonderful! Well, none of that matters, as long as he’s healthy!”
I often questioned why this phrase was so prevalent. Is it really necessary to state the obvious? Of course, I wished for my baby’s good health! I took my prenatal vitamins, attended regular check-ups, and adhered to all health guidelines. Was this phrase meant to summon good fortune for my unborn child? Did it serve as a safeguard against potential complications? After all, anything less than a healthy pregnancy is often viewed as a tragedy, right?
Throughout my pregnancies, anxiety loomed large, especially since my first ended in miscarriage. Back then, I didn’t know the term “rainbow baby,” but my first child was one—born after a loss. Hearing “As long as he’s healthy” served as a painful reminder of my previous grief. It highlighted the fragility of my situation and the many things I couldn’t protect my baby from.
My subsequent pregnancy went smoothly, but my second son faced significant health challenges. I contracted a virus known as Cytomegalovirus (CMV) during pregnancy, and it wasn’t until a troubling ultrasound that I realized something was wrong. My son was born with severe issues, requiring medication and various forms of support, as the virus had caused brain damage. His future development was uncertain, and I was heartbroken.
Despite our best efforts, life doesn’t always go according to plan. Children may be born with unique challenges, and that begs the question: how do we cope and move forward? I struggled with immense guilt and sadness over my son’s difficulties, feeling like I had failed him. I found it hard to face friends and family, unsure of how to explain our new reality.
In those early days, I craved support more than ever. My mind was a whirlwind of information regarding my son’s care, and I hesitated to discuss my fears with friends for fear of overwhelming them. With a two-year-old and a newborn, I had to push ahead and make decisions, even when I felt lost.
Today, my son is eight and a truly remarkable child, though he still relies on others for many things. After years of therapy, I have mostly reconciled my feelings about his birth and the changes in our lives. I’ve learned to advocate for both his needs and my own. I strive to set a positive example in our interactions, knowing others will mirror my approach. I also prioritize self-care, taking breaks when I feel overwhelmed.
I’ve become open about my journey, which has fostered connections with others facing similar trials. Friends have reached out to me when their children received challenging diagnoses. One friend confided about her daughter’s dyslexia, while another shared her son’s attention deficit disorder (ADD) diagnosis. I was even contacted by a friend whose son was born with brain damage and has since passed away.
I hope they seek me out because they know I can relate, that I won’t judge them for their hardship, and perhaps my experiences can offer some comfort. However, why must these difficult journeys feel so taboo?
While I’ve largely moved past my guilt, I still feel a twinge of it when I hear someone casually say, “As long as he’s healthy!” I want to challenge that notion: What if he’s not? What if life is a series of experiences where things don’t always go as expected? Will that be accepted too? It must be, for how else do we move forward? In many ways, pregnancy and motherhood are beyond our control, and it’s our response in those moments that truly matters.
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- Why do people say “as long as he’s healthy” during pregnancy?
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In summary, the phrase “As long as he’s healthy” often serves as an oversimplification of a complex journey. It can evoke feelings of anxiety and guilt for those whose experiences differ from the norm. While health is a paramount concern, acknowledging the possibility of challenges can help us foster a more supportive community for all parents.