As I sit here, watching you sleep, I find myself cherishing the details of your face. This moment may be fleeting, perhaps the last time I see you in such a serene state. Resting my head on your chest, I’m enveloped by your familiar scent, struggling to hold back my emotions. I allow myself to be vulnerable just once more, to feel the depth of my love for you.
But tomorrow will bring change. You’ll sense it in the way I flinch when you reach to embrace me. My words will cut sharp and my demeanor will feel icy. Yet, amidst it all, my heart pounds so fiercely that I wonder how I’ll manage to walk away without being shattered.
I have loved you passionately. At times, the flames of that love have burned so intensely that I felt parts of myself melting away, pooling at my feet until they became unrecognizable.
Strangely, when confronted with the thought of losing you, I can only recall the joyful memories. I remember how your smile brightens your entire face. I think of your hands—calloused from hard work and sun, yet so gentle against my skin. I remember the affection you have for my children.
The betrayals fade into the background, as if they were merely a bad dream. The hurtful words and the anger dissolve. I can forget the threats that left me trembling, unsure of which version of you I’d encounter each day.
You embody both a caring father and a cruel stranger. Split by some unseen force, each side remains oblivious to the other. One side hurls accusations, while the other offers peace and love.
I remember the awe in your eyes when you look at our son, marveling at his existence. I try to forget the harsh words directed at my daughter, the shame that followed.
Only you could convince me that ice cream for dinner and bicycles in the living room are essential for happiness. The girls long for the dad who taught them to fish and throw a ball, the father who blended sophistication and simplicity effortlessly.
One half of you contradicts the other so completely that it drives me to question my own sanity. How can you be both so cruel and so kind? How can the highs feel so exhilarating while the lows plunge so deep?
I mourn the man I wish you could be—the one I adore completely. The one with the infectious laughter and captivating smile, ready to embark on a midnight horseback ride.
The children miss you deeply, their longing palpable. Every day feels like an exhausting interrogation, with endless questions about your absence. Your excuses—work or being out of town—wear me down, and sometimes I cave, not just for their sake but for mine as well.
It’s astonishing how quickly we all slip back into the cycle. Though things may shift temporarily, we always end up back where we began, trapped in that same dreadful tune we wish could change. How do you make a decision so final that it tears apart your own heart and those of your children? For now, we tread carefully, balancing between desire and what’s best for us. Love and boundaries will coexist.
I will hold onto hope for change but won’t depend on it. I’ve committed to creating a solid foundation for my children, regardless of which version of you we encounter each day. We want you, but I refuse to let us need you.
You are both the man of my dreams and the source of my fears. Like all dreams, ours must come to an end, and you will always be my favorite. The man caught in the struggle with his own demons. I wish for dreams where we can meet on horseback under the stars, far from the monster that lurks. In the tranquility of the countryside, beneath the full moon, may we find a moment of silent love and peace.