My ex, Mark, quickly found a serious partner shortly after our separation. Within months, they were living together, and soon after, they all took a trip to Florida.
He has a stricter parenting style than I do; he often takes their phones away and limits their screen time, while he thinks I indulge them with too many fast-food outings. I’m not one to check the parent portal daily for updates on their schooling, but he is.
I made a choice not to introduce my kids to anyone I was dating until I was sure it was serious, and I won’t be moving in with anyone until they’re grown and independent. Mark and his girlfriend enjoy having drinks in front of the kids, while I prefer not to do that. I allow my kids to have friends over whenever they want, but he isn’t as comfortable with that. He’s also imposed consequences when my kids don’t treat his girlfriend’s daughter the way he believes they should.
While he often goes away with his girlfriend, I choose to stay home to make the most of my limited time with my kids. I share this to highlight that Mark and I have different parenting philosophies. We both feel that the other is too lenient or too strict at times. However, for our peace of mind, we recognize that we can’t control how the other parent raises our children when they’re not with us.
I’m not referring to dangerous situations; I’m talking about our differing styles of parenting. We strive to stay aligned for the kids’ sake, but it’s unrealistic to manage each other’s parenting methods. My priority is to support my kids and ensure they’re happy and healthy, not to dictate how Mark raises them.
Recently, my daughter reached out to me, upset because Mark’s girlfriend’s daughter was hiding her makeup and hair products. This wasn’t the first incident, and while I was frustrated, I realized that it wasn’t my place to confront Mark about it. I advised my daughter to discuss it with her dad and his girlfriend, trusting they would resolve it.
I’ll admit I wasn’t thrilled when Mark moved in with someone else so soon after our divorce, knowing it would force my kids to adjust quickly. I didn’t appreciate seeing their family photos on social media or the vacations they took together, but my children seemed happy, and that was worth my discomfort.
Despite our differences, I recognize that Mark loves our kids and is a good father. I’m not here to criticize him at every turn; doing so only complicates matters for our children, who don’t need extra stress.
After witnessing how others handle their co-parenting challenges online, like when Sarah called out her ex for posting a photo of their kids, I thought, “No, no, no!” As co-parents, we must let go of control when our kids are with the other parent. It’s essential for their wellbeing and our own. If you know your children are safe and cared for, then let the other details fade away and focus on your own happiness. You’ll find it makes a difference.
Being an adult means understanding that differing perspectives on parenting are part of the divorce process. You can disagree and argue, but it’s crucial to remember that our kids pick up on the negativity when we speak ill of our exes. Those comments stick with them.
I know how tough it can be. Perfection isn’t a standard we can always meet, and we all have our moments of weakness. It’s vital to recognize when our actions or words might harm our kids instead of the other parent. During those tough times, it’s better to vent to a friend or therapist and address issues directly with your ex later.
Having experienced this as a child of divorce myself, I understand the impact it can have on children, and I’ve seen the effects on my own kids. It’s never worth it.