My partner and I find ourselves in the laundry room simultaneously. He’s transferring wet clothes from the washer to the dryer while I’m searching for the broom to clean up the crumbs from lunch. For a fleeting moment, our bodies brush against each other, and we exchange “the look.” Just as quickly, we are interrupted by the sound of our child, who is engaged in remote learning, letting out a loud shriek. In an instant, the moment is gone, and we return to the duties of parenting.
The pandemic has had a significant impact on our intimate life, and I know we’re not alone in this. With the daily responsibilities piling up, intimacy has taken a backseat. Once upon a time, a date night could easily transition into a romantic evening. Now, we have no babysitters, no nights out, and dining at restaurants has become a distant memory. Sure, we could opt for takeout after the kids are asleep, but by the time evening rolls around at a senior citizen-friendly hour of 5:30 p.m., we are utterly drained.
Experts often suggest scheduling intimacy, but we all know that sex doesn’t quite work that way. Sure, we could try to sneak in a quickie while the kids are occupied, but the reality is that work calls, Zoom meetings, and lunchtime take precedence over spontaneous moments of passion. We face interruptions every minute.
While the idea of a quickie might sound appealing, many women, myself included, know that it takes time to get in the mood. The challenge of transitioning from handling math homework to something more intimate is daunting when you have kids constantly vying for attention. How are we supposed to shift our mindset from educational duties to something steamy in just a few moments? (Experts, your thoughts?)
Finding the right moment to connect is rare, and the pandemic has only added to our list of responsibilities. Our home, once a sanctuary, is now cluttered with piles of papers, toys, and everyday messes. There’s nothing particularly inspiring about our surroundings. Unlike in the movies, where couples can just shove everything aside and dive in, we can’t escape the reality of our lives with kids trailing behind us.
I know that many of my friends share this struggle. We are grateful to be safe at home, but that doesn’t mean our lives resemble a romantic novel. Both my partner and I appear perpetually worn out, and the last thing we consider is changing into something more enticing to rekindle our intimacy.
Our days consist of lukewarm coffee, helping kids with their remote classes, reheating leftovers for lunch, and managing work responsibilities. Most days, we feel like zombies—certainly not the passionate lovers we once were. COVID-19 has been a serious mood dampener.
We could attempt to “fake it till we make it,” but that’s not our approach. Instead, we acknowledge this dry spell. I recognize that experts encourage us to make an effort, but the truth is that most people I know are running low on energy and inspiration. We’re simply trying to navigate through each day without a major meltdown.
Our routine includes washing masks, distributing hand sanitizer, assisting with worksheets, running the dishwasher, vacuuming, and juggling work emails and meetings. We brew coffee, run errands, and try to take breaks with the kids. We do our best, regardless of what experts may say. Those who can casually make love on a Tuesday likely have help at home, unlike the rest of us who are striving to maintain jobs while ensuring our kids receive an education.
There are moments when I feel guilty about not prioritizing intimacy. It’s not that I feel obligated, but rather that it’s a mutual need we both have. We always feel better when we connect afterward. The issue is that finding the right time and place is increasingly difficult, and with life being so unpredictable, it’s hard to promise a romantic encounter and follow through.
I don’t believe we should feel like failures for not meeting some arbitrary frequency of intimacy. Nor should we feel inadequate for struggling to balance our work, parenting, and life during a global pandemic. There is no perfect way to navigate the chaos of 2020. It’s a cliché, but it holds true: it is what it is.
Moreover, intimacy isn’t solely defined by sex. After over twenty years together, we understand that being a couple means knowing each other deeply, recognizing love languages, and providing support when needed—sometimes in the form of a kind word, a helping hand, or shared exasperation when the kids are at their wits’ end. Togetherness extends beyond physical intimacy.
We must grant ourselves the freedom to acknowledge that COVID-19 has altered so much for all of us, including our intimate lives. It’s perfectly fine not to feel in the mood. It’s also okay to nurture our relationship in various ways. And yes, it’s acceptable to dismiss the unrealistic advice from experts who may not grasp the challenges we face while balancing work and family life. If the opportunity for intimacy arises, we can embrace it, but it’s equally okay if it doesn’t.
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- How has the pandemic affected couples’ intimacy?
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Summary:
The pandemic has significantly impacted couples’ intimacy, leading many to struggle with balancing work, parenting, and personal connections. As daily responsibilities pile up, finding time for intimacy becomes increasingly difficult, with many couples feeling drained and overwhelmed. Acknowledging this reality allows for understanding and acceptance of the current situation, emphasizing that intimacy can extend beyond physical connections. It’s important for couples to communicate, support each other, and find joy in their partnership, even amid challenging circumstances.