Updated: November 17, 2020
Originally Published: November 17, 2020
My partner and I have three children. Our eldest is eight, followed by our four-year-old, and our youngest is just ten months old. After each baby’s arrival, our relationship has faced a few bumps. In fact, we’re currently navigating the post-third-baby phase. While we aren’t having major fights, sleeping apart in frustration, or questioning our decision to marry, we do find ourselves bickering over trivial matters like which toothpaste to use or the best way to load the dishwasher. Our patience has reached its limit, and we’re on each other’s nerves.
This time, however, I’m not losing my cool. We both anticipated feeling a bit out of sorts after this baby, which makes it less stressful because we know it’s just a phase.
The first time around, I was thrown for a loop. When our first child was born, we were on cloud nine. My wonderful partner was everything I had hoped for. Those first couple of months were pure bliss. But around the eighth week, my once-perfect partner began to irritate me. The feeling was mutual. We adored our new baby and loved each other, but everything felt off. Our arguments were silly and we just didn’t feel like ourselves. It was confusing and frustrating. By our baby’s first birthday, we found our rhythm again without even realizing it. In hindsight, our marriage was intact; we just had a stressful new addition to our family.
Fast forward three years to our second child, and the same thing happened. This time, we made a promise to support each other. While we still had our share of arguments, it was a bit easier because we knew what to expect.
Now, with our third and final child, who is ten months old and more demanding than the first two, our marriage is holding up better than I anticipated. She needs constant attention, sleeps poorly, and wants to nurse almost every few minutes. Yet, we’ve become pros at seeing these rough patches coming and weathering them together.
Understanding the Strain
It’s completely normal for marriages to feel strained when a new baby arrives. There are several understandable reasons why a newborn can complicate things for couples. Consider this:
- Exhaustion: Both of you are likely running on empty. Coupled with work, cooking, maintaining relationships, and caring for other children, the lack of sleep is overwhelming. Most babies wake up frequently in the night for at least the first six months, which makes restful nights a rare luxury.
- Limited Alone Time: With a new baby, those moments to connect as a couple become scarce. You’re both busy managing life’s demands while catering to the constant needs of a tiny human. I didn’t realize how much I cherished those one-on-one moments with my partner until they became a thing of the past.
- Less Intimacy: The presence of a needy baby can really impact a couple’s sex life. Some couples bounce back quickly, but for many, it takes time to establish a routine that allows for intimacy again.
- Older Children Still Need Attention: Adding another child alters the family dynamic. The older siblings still require care, and balancing their needs alongside a newborn can leave both parents feeling stretched thin.
- Annoyances Amplified: When you’re tired and stressed, your partner’s little quirks can become irritating. What might typically be endearing can suddenly feel unbearable amidst the chaos of parenting a new baby.
If your relationship feels rocky after welcoming a baby, don’t panic. If your marriage was healthy before, it’s likely still intact. It’s just a period of adjustment, a sort of “scratchy patch” as you both adapt to the new normal. Babies grow up, and you’ll find your way back to your usual rhythm.
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Summary:
Navigating the changes that come with a new baby can place a strain on any marriage. Both partners often find themselves exhausted, with limited alone time, and dealing with the demands of older children. It’s common for couples to experience tension and minor conflicts during this transition. However, understanding that these feelings are temporary can help alleviate stress.