My father was a yeller. Not just any yeller—he had serious anger problems that instilled fear in us as children. He was the type of parent who would say, “I’ll give you something to really cry about.” We understood that he meant it, as he often resorted to physical punishment when enraged. His anger would escalate over trivial matters, and we learned to navigate our home like we were walking on eggshells, always anticipating an outburst.
I often dreamed of my parents separating, especially when my brother and I would choose our mother over him during disputes. I vividly remember a summer before college when he nearly hit me in a moment of rage, and my mother had to intervene. This was a man with deep-seated anger issues.
Two Decades Later…
Now, I am married with three children, and my husband is one of the kindest, most even-tempered individuals I know. Yet, despite his calm demeanor, I spent last night tossing and turning. I had gone to bed early with incense burning, unaware that my husband had previously expressed his dislike for it. He came to bed in immense pain from post-shingles symptoms, exhausted from the stress of returning to in-person teaching during the pandemic. When he snapped at me, all I could hear was a male voice raised in anger, triggering memories of my father’s rage. I instinctively curled up into a protective ball, shaking and unable to sleep.
I know in my mind that my husband is not a threat, but my body reacts as if it is. Each time I hear him wake up, panic rises within me. Will he bring up the incense? Will he yell? My past has conditioned me to perceive anger as danger.
Resonating Past Trauma
It doesn’t help that when I get scared, my husband’s frustration intensifies. He might be upset about something legitimate, but I freeze, unable to separate his emotions from my memories of my father. He often reassures me that he is not angry with me, but rather with the situation. Yet, my heart races, and I find myself overwhelmed.
Disagreements, no matter how minor, feel like yelling to me, which triggers visceral fear. I cry during arguments, often giving in to end the confrontation, which only adds to my frustration. My father’s anger issues have tainted my ability to engage in rational discussions with my husband.
Finding Understanding
My husband is aware of my upbringing and the lingering effects of my father’s anger issues. He understands my reactions are rooted in past trauma and not a reflection of his character. I have learned to express my fears, saying, “It scares me when you raise your voice.” However, this does not make disagreements any easier. Just this morning, he didn’t even recall the incense issue that had kept me up all night. When he asked if something was wrong, I insisted everything was fine, even though I felt haunted by memories of my childhood.
In this journey, I strive to separate my past from my present, hoping to create a healthier dynamic in my marriage and provide a better environment for my children.
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Summary:
The author reflects on growing up with a father who had severe anger issues, which has shaped her responses to conflict in her marriage. Even though her husband is kind and understanding, her past experiences trigger fear and anxiety during disagreements. Through therapy and open communication, she strives to differentiate her husband’s responses from her traumatic memories, all while working to create a healthy family environment.