Once, I held a firm belief in my own fairy tale ending. I thought that because I had worked hard to create a life I cherished, having faced down challenges and heartache, that my happiness was secure and everlasting. I believed I could manifest my own version of a fairy tale ending.
In retrospect, perhaps that was a misguided notion. Life isn’t a neatly packaged fairy tale; it’s too unpredictable and chaotic for that. I didn’t recognize this reality even when my seemingly healthy partner received a shocking diagnosis of a brain tumor. I didn’t consider the possibility that he might not recover, even when the standard treatments failed him, or when the so-called miracle drug caused him further harm, or when I looked into his eyes and felt a profound disconnect. It wasn’t until he passed, rather than conquering the illness, that I understood the harsh truth: the concept of a safe universe vanished along with him.
The moment I lost my partner, I realized there was no order, no fairness, just the stark possibility that calamity could strike at any given moment. The idea that something catastrophic could occur was no longer abstract; it was a tangible reality.
Living in this heightened state of awareness is exhausting. It means constantly scanning for vulnerabilities in any progress I make. I find it difficult to relax, always holding back just in case I need that energy for an impending fall.
Each decision I make is steeped in the tension of “what if this is the last time?” versus “what if this is the last time?” It’s a balancing act between embracing life fully and retreating from it to avoid heartache, because living fully means exposing myself to loss.
Knowing that at any moment the ground could shift beneath me, that my small victories could disappear, and that fleeting happiness could vanish, keeps me on edge. This struggle is particularly intense in a year like 2020 when the stakes feel even higher.
This year has made it impossible to escape grief. As a pandemic rages on, people are dying in alarming numbers from a virus that some deny. The division in society has never been sharper, with voices spreading hate and discord drowning out those promoting unity. In my own circle, I’ve witnessed heartbreaking news: a friend’s husband diagnosed with cancer, another’s wife hospitalized, a young boy’s tumor returning, and various other losses. The chaos and unfairness I once faced are still very much alive.
Consequently, I oscillate between desperately searching for something stable and withdrawing from everything, recognizing that nothing feels secure.
Recently, in a budding relationship, I found myself yearning to escalate things prematurely, hoping to recreate the sense of security I once had. Yet, at the slightest hint of trouble, I would retreat, seeking self-preservation because I know that a guaranteed happy ending doesn’t exist. Neither strategy brought me comfort; in my quest for safety, I inadvertently created more instability. It was only when I surrendered the need for control that I realized the universe may not be secure, but the impending challenges would come regardless of whether I pushed forward or stayed hidden.
Perhaps “once upon a time” and “happily ever after” were always overrated. The reality may lie in living within the tension of fear and hope, embracing life with open eyes instead of naive optimism or paralyzing dread. Acknowledging the universe’s lack of safety while also recognizing its endless possibilities allows for compassion toward myself and others. It enables me to take a deep breath and truly engage with life, even if only for a moment.
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Summary:
The article reflects on the challenges of living with the awareness that life can change drastically at any moment. It explores the tension between embracing life fully and protecting oneself from potential loss, particularly in the context of personal grief and societal upheaval. Ultimately, it encourages finding balance in the chaos and recognizing the limitless possibilities life has to offer.