My journey into adoption began when my son, who was nine at the time, became part of our family. My partner and I had never planned to adopt, but a family emergency changed everything. Even though we understood that bringing an older child into our lives would present its challenges, we were determined to provide him with a nurturing and secure environment.
However, I soon realized that there were countless aspects of adopting an older child that I was unprepared for.
Our adoption story is unique. My son is actually my cousin. His birth mother, the youngest of ten siblings, became suddenly ill due to complications from diabetes. Despite the complexities of our situation, we still faced many common hurdles that accompany the adoption process.
Initially, I believed that securing full custody of my son would be a swift process thanks to the support of his birth mother. Unfortunately, the foster care system and family court proved to be much more convoluted. What I anticipated would take a few months stretched into nearly two years of legal battles. Court dates were frequently postponed, or we arrived only to find that essential paperwork was missing, forcing us to reschedule. Even after five years of having legal custody, the full adoption process has yet to be finalized.
Adopting older children can also be complicated by their birth families. It’s not unusual for relatives to contest the adoption, as the foster system typically aims to reunite children with their birth parents or other family members first. In our case, while my family supported the adoption, we still had to navigate custody disputes with his birth father, which was undeniably heartbreaking.
The separation from a child’s birth family can be traumatic, regardless of their background. The older the child, the more they comprehend what is happening. My son had to move across the country to live with relatives he hardly knew and adapt to a completely new lifestyle. He was thrust into a household with new siblings, new caregivers, and a new school. He was also acutely aware of his mother’s deteriorating health, understanding that he might never see her outside the hospital again.
Counseling and family therapy became essential for our son. He had a whirlwind of emotions to process, often manifesting as anger or withdrawal. Like many adoptive parents, I wished I could absorb his pain. I had no idea how challenging this transition would be for him, and all we could do was support him and seek professional help.
Older children come with their own histories, which can include significant emotional baggage. They will need ample support to navigate their feelings, and it’s crucial to seek professional assistance while allowing them the time they need.
Additionally, we had to help our biological children adjust to having a new family member. Before our son joined us, we had two other kids. We quickly realized that the change in birth order was a substantial adjustment for our eldest, who suddenly found himself in the middle. Thankfully, over the years, the siblings have formed a close bond and often team up to playfully annoy our youngest.
We also had to reconcile the differences in parenting styles. My son was raised in a single-parent household, so adapting to having an actively involved dad was a transition for him. Our family dynamics, rules, expectations, and communication styles were different from what he was accustomed to, which required patience and ongoing dialogue.
We probably overcommunicate, but I want my son to understand our decisions and expectations. He sometimes struggles with feeling like an outsider, and I strive to ensure he knows that he belongs. However, integrating into a family as an older child can inherently create feelings of exclusion, and it shouldn’t fall on them to foster an atmosphere of love and acceptance.
Adopting any child is filled with unpredictable challenges and triumphs. You can’t fully grasp the level of patience and understanding required until you’re in the thick of it. It’s essential to be committed for the long haul, as every adopted child deserves a home filled with love, acceptance, and safety.
Sadly, we lost my son’s birth mother just over three years ago. Yet, I am grateful we were there to support him through that painful experience. He has transformed from a scared and uncertain child into a confident, thriving, and yes, sometimes annoying teenager. He exhibits all the typical teenage mood swings and growth moments, wrapped up in an awkwardly tall and slender frame. Each day continues to offer new lessons and chances for growth. Even with everything I know now, I would choose to adopt my son again a thousand times over.
If you’re considering this path, you may find additional insights on related topics like pregnancy and home insemination that can be found in this post. Also, for more information, check out this excellent resource on infertility.
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- What to know before adopting an older child
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- How to support your child’s emotional needs after adoption
In summary, adopting an older child can be a complex but rewarding journey filled with unexpected challenges. Preparing for the emotional and logistical hurdles is crucial, as is providing a loving environment where the child feels safe and accepted.