I had come to terms with the reality that my son, who is clearly on the autism spectrum, might never speak. I accepted that his life would differ significantly from that of most neurotypical children. I had made peace with this and embraced him for who he is, while exploring what his future might hold.
My son is exceptionally intelligent. He possesses an eidetic memory and learns new skills at an astonishing pace. His problem-solving abilities far exceed those of his peers. He is caring, playful, and affectionate. These attributes are his strengths, and our family has adapted to nurture them. My partner, my daughter, and I feel incredibly lucky to have him in our lives, and we take pride in him just as he is.
Then came March 2020, marking the onset of the global COVID-19 pandemic. With adults out of work and schools shuttered, we all sheltered at home to ride out the storm together. As the months rolled by and we became a bit tired of each other, something remarkable began to unfold.
My son began to communicate.
Please understand, he’s not reciting lengthy speeches just yet. Often, his words are difficult for others to comprehend. Alongside Autism Spectrum Disorder, he faces a diagnosis of Speech Apraxia, which means every word he speaks requires immense effort; he struggles for each sentence.
Yet, every day brings new milestones. Sometimes he sings along to a movie or waves goodbye to a family member without any prompting. He is speaking, and it is a wonderful experience. Each day is filled with excitement and anticipation, and my partner and I are overjoyed.
At the same time, I feel a sense of fear.
A whole new realm of possibilities has opened up for him. What I once thought was unattainable is now within reach, and it’s astonishing to realize that. For the first time, I dare to hope he might navigate the world independently. I envision him having a job, finding love, or living alone—perhaps leaving laundry unfolded and cups scattered like other young adults.
However, with hope comes anxiety, and the prospect of losing that hope is daunting.
In the past, when I believed he would always remain nonverbal, my thoughts were confined to a narrow path: sign language tutors, behavioral therapy, and, eventually, plans for his care when my partner and I are no longer around. I had settled into this routine; there was little uncertainty about the future. I envisioned him living with us forever, as he would never be able to speak. Imagining him as a CEO or a surgeon was far from my mind, and I was okay with that; my son is remarkable just as he is.
But now, as he begins to express himself, I realize how much I cherish this new development. I’m discovering how much I enjoy this surge of language, this wave of new words; I want it to continue. Previously, I took pride in accepting my son as he was; now I can’t help but ponder how much more he could become. Once, I had to guess his thoughts; now, I’m excitedly planning the deep conversations we’ll share in the future. I once believed he would always need my care; now, I can’t help but imagine a future with grandchildren.
Hope has suddenly filled my heart, and it feels incredible. It’s like the joy of Christmas morning, a promotion at work, or a first kiss—it’s a rush of happiness, biology, and the essence of motherhood, filling me with optimism and dreams.
However, this newfound hope and the array of possibilities hinge on my son’s continuous progress. They depend on his ability to keep speaking, to flourish, and to grow. What if it doesn’t continue? What if he regresses?
Hope can be the most terrifying feeling of all.
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- Autism and speech development
- Overcoming speech apraxia
- Parenting a nonverbal child
- Hope for children on the autism spectrum
- Language development in autism
Summary:
The author reflects on her son’s unexpected journey into speech during the COVID-19 pandemic, revealing the mixed emotions of joy and fear that accompany newfound hope for his future independence and capabilities.