It should go without saying.
Growing up, I was taught that a mother’s love is steadfast and unconditional. Regardless of my actions or the trouble I found myself in, my mom’s love remained constant. This was a promise ingrained in me from a young age, echoed through the years as I matured.
As a parent, I aimed to pass on that same message to my children: that my love for them is unwavering, no matter the circumstances. It was destined, a bond that was meant to be unbreakable. I wanted my kids to feel secure in the knowledge that they would always have my unwavering support.
When my son revealed his transgender identity at just 4 years old, I was confronted with the stark reality that love, even when unconditional, can sometimes come with unspoken expectations. His revelation came just before he completed pre-kindergarten, and once he sensed my acceptance, he eagerly sought to express his identity more fully. He wanted to change his hairstyle, update his wardrobe, and adopt a shorter name. Within a week, he requested that I use he/him pronouns, simply stating, “I am a boy, Mom.”
With anxiety and concern swirling in my mind, I dove into extensive research to understand his experience better. I reached out to numerous professionals and came to the realization that my son should guide our journey, and I should follow his lead. I am naturally inclined to resist change and prefer to control situations, so trusting my 4-year-old to navigate this path was not easy. However, my primary responsibility as a parent is to ensure my children’s safety and well-being.
One night, I stumbled across alarming statistics regarding the suicide rates among transgender individuals, which revealed nearly 50% of them have attempted suicide. The thought that my child could face such dire circumstances was heartbreaking. This knowledge galvanized me to create a supportive environment at home, recognizing that my love could be a crucial factor in his future. I refused to gamble with those odds.
Initially, I struggled with ambivalence. My son was so young, and I was apprehensive about his future. Would other children accept him? Would he face bullying or rejection? What if he later felt differently about his identity? The “what ifs” loomed large until I realized that the real risk was not supporting him from the very start.
Being transgender isn’t a choice; it is an integral part of who he is. While I cannot dictate his identity or the pronouns he uses, I do have the power to choose how I respond. It was critical for me to make choices that prioritized his safety and happiness.
When I began sharing my son’s journey with friends and family, I was surprised by the warm acceptance from many, but equally shocked by those who refused to acknowledge his truth. It became clear that while love might be unconditional, its expression is often bound by personal beliefs and comfort levels. Despite presenting facts and research, many seemed to prioritize their views over my son’s well-being.
Some individuals showed support through simple actions such as using the correct name and pronouns, while others struggled with misgendering and outdated language. The potential impact of these experiences weighed heavily on my heart.
As a society, we often rally behind children facing health crises, yet when it comes to identity, many are quick to dismiss expert advice and scientific evidence. This journey made me realize that unconditional love can be conditional when it comes to others’ willingness to step outside their comfort zones.
Guided by professionals, I contemplated distancing ourselves from those unwilling to affirm my son. Initially, this felt extreme, but as I observed the toll that negative interactions had on my son’s well-being, I knew I had to make hard decisions. Family members who had been close now seemed selfish in their refusal to support my child.
I consulted with my kids about how we should handle the situation. My eldest spoke up, asserting that if someone couldn’t support his brother, he wanted to limit contact with them. My youngest agreed. My transgender son found it harder to embrace this approach, being naturally empathetic and eager to please. Witnessing his siblings stand up for him helped him see that he is loved and worthy of respect.
Since our united front, the situation has improved, with only occasional slip-ups, but those mistakes now come with apologies and adjustments rather than dismissive attitudes. I’m grateful my children possess a strong sense of self and are willing to advocate for each other. I also appreciate the friends and family who chose to learn and grow alongside us, even if it took them longer than I wished.
As I reflect on this journey, I am grateful that my children will understand true unconditional love, one that embraces them fully for who they are.
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Potential search queries:
- How to support a transgender child
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- Research on transgender youth and mental health
- Parenting a transgender child
In summary, this journey has shown me that while love is often deemed unconditional, how we express that love can vary based on personal biases and comfort levels. It’s essential to prioritize support and understanding, ensuring our children feel accepted and loved for who they truly are.