When I tied the knot at 22, I believed I had made a lifelong commitment I could uphold. Unfortunately, life took a different turn, and after 15 years of marriage, my husband and I parted ways. Our divorce was quite the contrast to the amicable separation of Hollywood’s Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin—oh, if only it were that straightforward! Since I took the initiative to end our marriage and the situation was complicated, my ex felt a profound sense of betrayal. I could see the hurt reflected in his eyes the day I announced my decision to leave, and that expression lingered for the next three years. I don’t hold it against him.
Despite the heartbreak, I understood that ending our relationship was necessary. However, I wasn’t ready to discard everything we had built together, especially since we had two children and a long-standing friendship. During this tumultuous time, I held onto Paulo Coelho’s wisdom from The Alchemist: “If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.” I realized that we needed to let go of our previous relationship and find a way to foster peace after the split. This was essential for the well-being of our family.
At the time of our divorce, our kids were in elementary school, and I selfishly wanted to keep them with me. However, I recognized that shared custody was in their best interest. Dr. Jessica Troilo, a professor at West Virginia University, supports the idea that children benefit from having both parents involved in their lives, unless there are significant concerns like substance abuse or mental health issues.
Knowing we had many years of co-parenting ahead of us, I focused on building a healthy relationship post-divorce. There were days when I felt as much animosity towards him as he did towards me. Yet, keeping our primary goal of raising well-adjusted children in mind helped me navigate these challenging times.
So, how did I manage this?
By seeking guidance from those more knowledgeable than myself. With the help of a skilled marriage and family therapist, along with insightful books by Dr. Harriet Lerner, Louise Hay, and Dr. Wayne Dyer, I adopted principles aimed at ensuring our co-parenting years remained peaceful (if not perfect).
Be Friendly
A fellow mom on my daughter’s lacrosse team often remarked on how surprised she was that my ex and I consistently sat together at games. There were certainly days when being around each other felt challenging, yet we always treated one another with kindness—faking it until we made it—and cheered for our child together. This way, our daughter could focus on her game without worrying about any tension between us.
Show Empathy
I found that empathizing with my ex’s feelings helped keep my reactions in check. Accepting a divorce he didn’t want took time, and by putting myself in his position, I managed to avoid petty or vindictive behavior, which would have been my instinct.
Protect the Kids from Adult Issues
During financial negotiations, I often wanted to explode, and I knew he felt the same. However, we saved our most intense discussions for private conversations, ensuring the children were shielded from our conflicts.
Be Adaptable
A couple of summers ago, the kids took a trip to Europe with their dad. Even though it fell during my custody time, I always prioritize their happiness over inconveniences. My ex does the same, aiming for what’s best for the children rather than what’s easiest for us.
Present a United Front
In navigating health and educational challenges with our kids, we always attend appointments and meetings together. We discuss our talking points in advance and recap afterward, ensuring that no significant decision is made without mutual agreement. Anyone attending these meetings would likely assume we were still a couple due to our teamwork.
View Each Other as Partners
After remarrying, my wife became my partner in both life and parenting. She wholeheartedly supports me and treats my kids as her own. Importantly, she never attempted to replace my ex, as we both recognize the importance of his role in their lives. From the very beginning, he has been an involved father, and as time has passed, I’ve grown to appreciate having him to lean on during challenging parenting moments.
Avoid Negative Talk About the Other Parent
My children adore their dad, and he, along with his family, will always be a part of their lives. Speaking poorly about him puts our kids in an uncomfortable position, forcing them to choose sides. The more people who love a child, the better. I am thankful that they have multiple families to support them.
Whenever conflicts arose with my ex, I would pause and ask myself, “Do I love my kids more than I dislike him right now?” The answer was always clear, helping me regain my perspective. As a protective mom, I cherish my kids more than anything, but I also remember that they have another parent who loves them just as much and deserves my respect.
By keeping this understanding in mind, we have fostered a harmonious parenting partnership, raising two young adults who may not be perfect but undoubtedly know how much all three of their parents care for them.
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- How to stay friends with an ex after divorce
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In summary, maintaining a friendship with an ex is challenging but doable, especially when you prioritize the well-being of your children and work together as a team. By practicing empathy, flexibility, and open communication, it’s possible to create a supportive and loving environment for your kids, ensuring they thrive amidst the changes.