In 2011, my former partner, Mark, engaged in an affair after we hadn’t been intimate for over six months. I had been withholding affection, feeling that he made little effort to nurture our relationship unless it involved physical intimacy. This left me feeling resentful, as if I were merely a means to fulfill his desires.
When Mark confessed to his infidelity, I was devastated. We had built a life together, and I was unsure of what the future held. For six years, we attempted to repair our marriage but never returned to our previous happiness. The trust had been shattered, and I struggled with feelings of anger towards him, as well as guilt directed at myself.
I often told others that I bore the greater responsibility for his actions. I believed if I had been more attentive to his needs, he wouldn’t have sought comfort elsewhere. I felt like I was unworthy of love unless I complied with his desires. A man once said on a podcast, “Men cheat to save their marriage. Women cheat to leave it.” This only intensified my self-blame.
I rationalized that my lack of intimacy had forced him to seek fulfillment outside our relationship. However, I eventually recognized that a marriage doesn’t justify bringing in a third party simply because one partner is feeling overwhelmed or disconnected. True partnership does not involve running to the first person who offers attention.
Mark never suggested we seek counseling or discussed his dissatisfaction with me. He ignored my requests for quality family time and dismissed my feelings, making sex seem like a condition for his fidelity. It felt like I was in a cycle where I had to meet certain expectations to keep him committed.
That’s not what a marriage is about. Real commitment requires communication, mutual effort, and working through difficulties together. Inviting someone else into your relationship to meet your needs is not a solution — it’s a betrayal.
I eventually released myself from the guilt associated with his infidelity. It is not my fault that he chose to betray our vows. While both partners contribute to a relationship, the responsibility for cheating lies solely with the one who engages in it.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-blame, thinking that if you had done more to please your partner, the betrayal could have been avoided. But the truth is, the only one accountable for cheating is the one who cheats.
I refuse to carry that burden anymore.
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In summary, infidelity cannot be justified by a lack of intimacy or connection in a relationship. It is essential to recognize that the responsibility for cheating falls solely on the individual who chooses to betray their partner. True commitment requires mutual effort, communication, and respect, and any external involvement undermines the foundation of the relationship.