This week, I found myself marked by “The Scarlet C.” Yes, I’m talking about Coronavirus, COVID-19. After nearly nine months of social distancing, wearing masks, and scrubbing my hands until they were raw, COVID slipped into my small corner of the world and turned everything upside down. The moment I saw that second blue line on my rapid test—POSITIVE—I was thrown into a whirlwind of emotions that took me back to a similar moment seven years ago when I saw another second line on a pregnancy test. I immediately shifted into panic mode: When did I last have contact with anyone? Who do I need to inform? I was so consumed with contact tracing that I didn’t even notice how fast my symptoms were escalating.
I’m not here to delve into the specifics of my symptoms; a quick online search can provide all that. What I truly felt compelled to share is the often-ignored emotional turmoil that accompanies a COVID diagnosis. From the moment I learned I was positive, I experienced a rollercoaster of feelings:
Anger
My first instinct was to jump in my car and unleash a stream of expletives that would’ve made even Ralphie from “A Christmas Story” blush. I wasn’t angry at anyone specifically—just myself. How could I let this happen after being so diligent for nearly a year?
Fear
Will I survive this? Will my husband? Will my son contract it and suffer the same fate? What happens to my child if both my husband and I fall seriously ill? Once these thoughts flooded my mind, I found myself Googling “healthy 38-year-old woman dies of COVID,” which I highly advise against.
Guilt
This has been the hardest emotion to bear. Who did I potentially infect? We’ve all heard how contagious this virus is, but you don’t understand its reach until it happens to you. Anyone who was in contact with us during the critical 48 hours leading up to my symptom onset might have been exposed. Thankfully, I was mostly at home with my son, and my husband only saw a few individuals, but that was still too many. We inadvertently ruined the holiday season for at least two families. The guilt I carry weighs heavier than the constriction I feel in my chest with every breath.
Relief
Surprisingly, this feeling emerged as well. For nine months, I lived in constant fear of contracting COVID. Now that I have it, I have no choice but to confront it. While I won’t abandon masks and hygiene just because I’ve had it, I’m hopeful for a brief period of immunity. I would never wish this on anyone, but I’m trying to find silver linings where I can.
After navigating these emotions, the overarching feeling is embarrassment. How could I have been so reckless? But the truth is, I wasn’t careless, and it still happened. So why do I feel such shame when sharing my diagnosis? I confided in a few friends, but as expected, the news spread like wildfire. Instead of receiving messages of support, I was inundated with inquiries about how and when I contracted it. A close friend even remarked that they “expected more from me,” as if I had been partying without a care in the world.
I dread what will happen once my quarantine ends, fearing that people will still avoid me or judge my choices that led to this situation. There seems to be a prevailing notion that if you contract COVID, you must have been irresponsible, pushing many into silence about their experiences. This mentality only hinders efforts to halt the virus’s spread.
Can we please stop the judgment and blame directed at those diagnosed with COVID-19? While some may act recklessly, many others contract the virus despite taking every precaution. We need open conversations about our experiences with COVID-19. It’s essential to know we are not alone in what we’re feeling. Bottling up these emotions, while dealing with both physical symptoms and isolation, could lead to an even greater crisis than the pandemic itself.
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Search Queries:
- Emotional impact of COVID-19 diagnosis
- Coping with guilt after contracting COVID
- Understanding COVID-19 stigma
- Mental health effects of quarantine
- Support for COVID-19 survivors
In summary, dealing with a COVID diagnosis extends beyond physical symptoms. The mental and emotional toll can be overwhelming, and it’s crucial to foster an environment of understanding and support rather than judgment.