Parenting
By Jamie Taylor
Updated: Dec. 22, 2020
Originally Published: Dec. 22, 2020
Let me tell you, my third child nearly pushed me to my limits. A few months ago, I genuinely began to wonder if I could endure the level of sleep deprivation I was experiencing. My baby fits the description of what many refer to as “high-needs.” While I could think of a few other terms that feel more fitting, “high-needs” sounds kind and somewhat clinical, so we’ll go with that.
For the majority of her early life, my daughter required almost constant attention. She was a terrible sleeper, nursed excessively, and seemed to be glued to my side at all times. She is nothing like my first two children. My first was the quintessential “easy” baby who taught me absolutely nothing about parenting. I would pick him up out of guilt for leaving him to play independently for too long. He rarely cried at night; he would wake just to nurse, and after a quick feed, he’d drift back to sleep until it was time for the next feeding. My first baby was a dream, and I thought I was nailing this whole parenting thing. Thanks for that, universe.
My second child was a typical baby, but after my first, I mistakenly thought he was a handful. Oh, how 2020 me would chuckle at 2016 me—I was so naive. My second baby had some challenging moments, but compared to this third one, he seemed to raise himself.
From around six to ten months, my daughter wanted nothing and no one but me. It’s not an exaggeration. She would tolerate her father or brothers for brief moments, but as soon as that whine started, we knew it was over. There was no calming her; she wanted her mother, and nothing else was going to suffice.
We gave it our all. My wonderful husband wanted to bond with her and give me a break. I tried to steal moments for myself, like taking a bath or simply stepping into another room to work. I could hear him dancing in the living room, singing songs while wearing her in a carrier. She’d be calm for a few moments, and if we were lucky, she might even doze off for a bit. But once she had enough, it was game over. He tried valiantly to soothe her, but she would wail uncontrollably. The moment I walked in to retrieve her, she would instantly quiet down. All she wanted was me.
More than once, I found myself in a rocking chair at midnight, wide awake, sobbing over her peaceful, sleeping face. I vividly remember cradling her one night and thinking, “If I had you first, your brothers wouldn’t exist. You are so much.” The memes about third children are so real, people.
Then she began to crawl. She was a bit late to the crawling game, not really getting the hang of it until ten months, but once she did, it was like a light switched on. My entire world started to shift. I wouldn’t call her laid-back or independent just yet; she’s still quite the handful. But now, she can explore on her own and come back to me without needing anyone else. Knowing she has access to me 24/7 seems to have made it less urgent for her to be attached to me at all times. She’s even started nursing less frequently, opting for cups instead, which is a relief. Now she drinks water several times a day without the constant demand for “BOOBIE!” that used to make me want to cry.
Sleep is still a work in progress, but she occasionally grants me two or three hours of uninterrupted sleep at night, so there’s hope. I don’t want to jinx it, but I think we might have finally moved past the worst phase. It’s been about a month since I’ve looked at my husband and asked, “This baby is a lot, right? I’m not a terrible parent—she’s just really needy, correct?”
If you’re navigating life with a brand-new little one who seems to require more than you ever expected, hang in there. I know that when you hear that piercing cry, your heart aches, and you want to comfort your baby. But I also understand the frustration when you feel your body tense up because it seems like you can barely meet one need before another arises. Even the most patient and gentle parents can be brought to their knees by a high-needs baby. It’s not your fault if you feel overwhelmed; you’re not alone.
Don’t hesitate to ask for help when you need it. All those well-meaning folks who tell you that the baby phase flies by? Yeah, you can ignore that. The first year with a high-needs baby will not feel fast while you’re living it. You may blink, but when you open your eyes, your baby won’t magically be five or sixteen; they’ll still be a red-faced, screaming four-month-old, demanding to be fed. And that blink? It’ll be the six whole minutes of sleep you managed since laying your baby down last.
It’s tough, and your feelings about it all are completely valid. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Now that my high-needs baby is approaching her first birthday, she’s on her way to becoming a (presumably) high-needs toddler. While this new phase will come with its own set of challenges, I’m grateful that it’s hard in a different way. At least this next chapter involves some sleep.
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Summary:
This article discusses the challenges and experiences of parenting a high-needs baby, detailing the journey from overwhelming demands to gradual independence. It emphasizes the emotional struggles of parents during this phase and reassures them that they’re not alone. With time, a high-needs child can start to explore and nurse less frequently, providing hope for more restful nights ahead.