Every day, my younger brother, who is ten years my junior, reaches out to me via FaceTime. He’s the one who initiates the call, and I eagerly await his messages, ready to share advice, send him a few dollars as he learns to manage his finances, or simply chat about life. In many ways, I play the role of the only parental figure he has.
Although I am not his biological mother, we share the same mother, who passed away thirteen years ago. Before her death, she was far from the ideal parent, often missing from our lives due to her struggles with incarceration and addiction. Stepping into the role of caregiver is something I’m accustomed to, making it hard to set aside this responsibility, especially for my siblings. Yet, it can be draining.
Growing up, I felt an obligation toward my siblings, Mia and Ryan, that no child should have to bear. I believed it was my duty to shield them from our mother’s absence. I was the one who had to learn how to engage with them, how to express love, and how to simultaneously be their sister and the one who explained why our mother was never around to tuck them in at night.
Interestingly, a quick search on “siblings caring for siblings” reveals a lack of substantial research on this topic. It seems to be a rarely discussed issue, and I carried the burden of being the main support for my siblings as a well-kept secret. Over time, we relied on substitute parental figures because our mother was unable to fulfill her role due to her addiction and legal troubles. While we understood that she could not provide us what we needed, I stepped in to fill that void.
I am thankful for the experiences my mother put me through, as difficult as they were. Visiting her in jail, paying her bail, and protecting my little brother from the truth about her whereabouts have all shaped me into who I am today. These experiences influence every aspect of my life. I’ve learned to carefully craft my responses to avoid hurting others’ feelings, although this sometimes leads people to view my sincerity as disingenuous. My intention has always been to communicate in a way that is gentle and considerate, especially towards my siblings.
Caretakers exist in various forms. As mothers, we usually enter this role voluntarily. However, when you’re caring for a sibling due to a parent’s inability to do so, the dynamics shift significantly. Establishing boundaries, deciding what can and cannot be discussed, and navigating the associated shame is crucial. One lesson I learned after adopting my son is that everyone needs someone who can be there for them. For my siblings, that person is me. Just like with my own three kids, I sometimes feel overwhelmed and might even avoid their calls, but love is what ultimately binds us together.
I treasure the opportunity to witness my siblings’ growth and to be a part of their lives. It can be tiring, and I have every right to express my frustrations, but I will never abandon them, just as I wouldn’t with my biological children. Serving as their caregiver has profoundly influenced every relationship I have, both personal and professional.
In an article featured in The Atlantic, author Cindy Lahe notes, “While there’s extensive literature on parental neglect, there’s less focus on how this neglect can force children into caregiving roles for one another. Moreover, there’s a lack of empirical research on how these dynamics influence future relationships with siblings and others.” Interestingly, I never perceived my mother’s absence as neglect; rather, I see it as a source of strength that ultimately made me a better parent when I chose to have children.
This article was initially published on Dec. 22, 2020.
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Summary:
In this article, Jordan Thompson shares her experience of stepping into a parental role for her younger siblings after their mother became absent due to addiction and incarceration. Despite the challenges, she finds gratitude in her journey, recognizing how it has shaped her into the person she is today. Through her reflections, she highlights the complexities of sibling caregiving, the importance of support systems, and the lasting impact of childhood experiences on adult relationships.