How Writing Fan Fiction Empowered Me to Embrace My Sexuality and Desires

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I have a little secret to share—though it’s not exactly shocking for those in my inner circle. This year, I took a plunge into the world of fan fiction, particularly the steamy kind. In fact, I’ve penned over 175,000 words, most of which delve into explicit themes.

Looking back, it’s almost a given that I would gravitate toward writing adult fan fiction. As a child, long before I even knew what fan fiction was, I found myself daydreaming about characters like the New Kids on the Block or Wesley Crusher from Star Trek: The Next Generation (don’t debate me on this; it’s the best). My curiosity about sex was ever-present, often leading me to sneakily explore the romance section of the library. Unfortunately, my upbringing in a conservative Taiwanese Christian household, where sex was seen as taboo and my father’s infidelity created a confusing narrative, left me feeling ashamed of my desires.

Fast forward to today, and I’ve shed that shame. Now in my 40s, I openly discuss sex and desires, particularly in relation to my current obsession: K-pop group BTS. As a writer, moving from non-explicit to sexually charged narratives felt like a natural evolution—especially in a year that has challenged us all.

Many dismiss fan fiction as a lesser art form, arguing that writing about characters created by others or real-life figures lacks legitimacy. I disagree. Crafting fan fiction has not only honed my writing skills but also provided a safe space to confront my values, desires, and the concept of consent.

It’s no secret that many popular book series, including the infamous “50 Shades of Grey,” started as fan fiction. The genre has clearly entered the mainstream, evidenced by even major networks producing films based on fan-created stories. However, the focus often remains on the explicit content, leading to judgment about why writers, especially women, choose to explore sexual themes.

I’m not shy about writing stories that include sex. After all, sex is a part of life, and I’m fascinated by the myriad ways people connect intimately—regardless of whether those experiences mirror my own. I grew tired of reading clichéd sex scenes filled with unrealistic scenarios, which often lacked authenticity. I wanted to see characters that looked like me—middle-aged, diverse, and experiencing real-life interruptions.

To be frank, I identify as quite vanilla. I prefer reading and writing about sex rather than engaging in it myself. After a long day of managing a busy household, the last thing I want to do is navigate someone else’s needs in the bedroom. Yes, I do have an intimate relationship with my husband, but my writing about fictional sex does not require validation based on my personal experiences.

Some may be unsettled by the fact that I write about consensual adult relationships, but I’ve learned that women, especially those who express their desires openly, often face scrutiny online. And I have desires—lots of them, including a love for writing explicit content.

The more I delve into adult fan fiction, the more I uncover my own beliefs and values regarding sex, consent, and societal norms. This process challenges me to confront my biases and consider the implications of casual sex, race, and power dynamics. It encourages me to question tropes and seek out authentic representations of intimacy.

Ultimately, writing about sexually active characters allows me to explore what I want in my own life, influencing my real-world experiences and choices within my marriage. And if it leads to more fulfilling intimate moments—well, that’s a delightful bonus.

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Summary:

This article explores the author’s journey into writing explicit fan fiction as a means of embracing her sexuality and desires. It highlights the transition from childhood fantasies to a more open discussion of sex, breaking free from the constraints of a conservative upbringing. Through writing, the author examines her values, confronts biases regarding intimacy, and seeks authentic representation in sexual narratives, ultimately enhancing her understanding of her own desires.