If I’m being honest, I’ve wrestled with anxiety and depression for much of my life. However, as an adult, I was hesitant to turn to medication to combat these struggles for reasons that are too complex to fully unpack. I would have urged any of my friends to seek that support, cheering them on every step of the way, but I wasn’t ready to take that step for myself.
That changed in 2020 — the year that truly pushed me to my limits.
In April, I sensed the shadows closing in. My anxiety reached new heights, and I recognized the telltale signs of an impending depressive episode. This time, however, I lacked the tools I typically relied upon. I was isolated from friends, unable to meet my therapist in person, and cut off from opportunities to volunteer or engage in causes I cared about.
Stuck at home with only my 7-year-old daughter for company, I was juggling work, homeschooling, and household duties all on my own. I knew that this situation was a recipe for disaster.
In a moment of vulnerability, I called my doctor and tearfully requested the one prescription she’d been suggesting for years: an antidepressant to help me regain my footing before I fell too far. It was a humbling experience, but a necessary one. Within weeks of starting the medication, I began to feel more like myself. My thoughts became clearer, and I found it easier to navigate my emotions. I was no longer dragging myself out of bed each morning, and I was able to show my daughter the patience and understanding she deserved.
Perhaps most importantly, those intrusive thoughts that had plagued me throughout my life faded away. For the first time, I realized that it wasn’t normal to be haunted by thoughts of suicide and tragedy. With the help of this little pill, I could live without those dark images clouding my mind.
However, there was a catch: my ability to orgasm seemed to vanish along with those intrusive thoughts.
I’ve always embraced my sexuality and have no qualms about admitting I enjoy self-pleasure. As a single mom during a pandemic, dating was off the table, so yes, I had a drawer full of toys, all charged and ready for action. But what used to be a part of my nightly routine turned into a frustrating endeavor. Masturbation still felt pleasurable, yet I couldn’t reach that peak. I would try repeatedly until my body felt numb, leaving me frustrated instead of satisfied.
It might sound overly dramatic to say that losing my orgasm frightened me, but it truly did. I’m not yet 40, and I haven’t found that special someone to share my life with. The idea of not being able to climax with a partner (or even by myself) was daunting.
So there I was, feeling more mentally stable than ever, yet questioning if my sexual health was a price I would have to pay for that stability. I was willing to make that sacrifice because, throughout one of the most tumultuous times in American history, I learned how precious stability is. I wouldn’t give it up again, not even for my orgasm. But I wanted both!
Fortunately, I found a supportive group of women eager to share their experiences with similar side effects of antidepressants. They guided me on how to reclaim my orgasm when I thought I had lost it for good.
The first step I took was to abstain from masturbation for a month. The women who had navigated this before advised me to relieve myself of the pressure I had been putting on my body. It was time to let my body reset while adjusting to the new medication.
Once the month was over, I prepared for a night of self-exploration — starting with an episode of Normal People, which had me feeling all sorts of ways (the focus on consent in the series was particularly captivating!). Then, I ran a warm bath, bringing one of my water-friendly toys along. I started slow and gentle, gradually increasing the pace to what once would have helped me reach that big “O” in mere moments.
I promised myself not to pressure myself and to relax into the experience. And wouldn’t you know it, that approach worked! By the end of the night, I found my orgasm again.
In the following months, my success varied. Some nights, I could climax, while other times, I couldn’t. However, after that first post-medication orgasm, I was no longer afraid of never reaching that peak again. So, I embraced the process. With the pressure lifted, I gradually returned to my former self.
Today, I’m proud to share that both my mental health and my ability to orgasm are in a good place. It took time and patience, but every bit of practice was worth it. When my doctor recently asked if I might consider tapering off my meds or if I simply felt better on them, I made it clear: I’m never going off antidepressants again.
I didn’t realize what I was missing until I experienced it. And I’m incredibly grateful that I navigated the bumps along the way to achieve a healthier life.
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In summary, navigating the complexities of mental health and sexual wellness can be challenging, especially when starting new medications. By seeking support and adopting a relaxed approach to sexual experiences, it’s possible to reclaim both mental stability and sexual satisfaction.