I’m utterly exhausted by fear.
Growing up, fear was my constant companion. Fear of an abusive parent. Fear of letting my family down. Fear of not measuring up as a perfect Asian American. Fear of being judged for my language skills — in both Chinese and English. Fear of the scrutiny from relatives, educators, and community leaders.
I was too loud, too bold, too different, too young, too opinionated, too infatuated with boys, too American, too Taiwanese — just too much, it seemed.
I was always haunted by the thought of never being good enough, smart enough, or attractive enough — simply not enough. It felt impossible to be “enough” when I was simultaneously too much and too little.
I tried to mold myself to fit an acceptable narrative, but it never lasted long. Not out of principle, but simply because it required too much energy — energy I didn’t have.
So, I concealed my insecurities behind a façade of arrogance. I believed I was superior to others, feeling that people owed me something and that their successes were undeserved. I was filled with bitterness, jealousy, and hostility. I didn’t gossip, as I deemed gossipers untrustworthy, but I was often snide, belittling what others said or did.
“Who do they think they are?” was a recurring thought. Ironically, that same question is now directed at me — usually by critics, and sometimes by myself when I let negative thoughts take over.
Who did I think I was? Indeed.
My friends claim I lost it the year I turned 40. While I don’t perceive a drastic change in myself, I can see how they might feel that way. I’ve always spoken my mind, but I stopped holding back even more. I transformed my physical appearance significantly. I finally let go of worrying about others’ opinions; I transitioned from being outspoken to being unapologetic.
Not everyone was on board with this change.
For some, my transformation was jarring. I shifted from the “acceptable” kind of outspoken to the “unacceptable” kind, leaving them unsure how to respond. Again, I found myself both too much and too little. This time, however, I didn’t care.
What happened? Nothing, and yet everything.
I didn’t die. People didn’t abandon me. I felt more vibrant and alive than ever. Opportunities blossomed. My writing evolved. Incredible individuals entered my life, people I once thought were too cool for me.
I had already put in the hard work to build my competence and skills, which made my confidence well-founded. I wasn’t intimidated anymore.
I became generous, particularly in acknowledging the achievements of others. Their successes no longer stung because I recognized that their victories didn’t diminish mine. There was plenty of space for all of us.
The world expanded, and I lost some people along the way. That hurt, but I chose to cherish the time we spent together, trusting that we had grown apart and wishing them well.
Of course, I still value the opinions of certain people — family, close friends, and respected mentors. Their perspectives matter to me because I hold them in high regard.
I worry that I might be anti-Black, racist, misogynistic, classist, anti-gay, or transphobic. I fear I might be inadvertently causing harm to those who are already vulnerable. I want to be a kind and just person.
When these select individuals tell me I’ve crossed a line, I work to overcome my initial defensiveness and shame, reflecting on their feedback alongside my understanding of the world. I accept responsibility, apologize, learn, and strive to improve.
My ego may take a hit, but it helps me release the need for perfection.
I’ve made some enemies too. Yet, why should I care about the opinions of those I don’t respect? Their hatred is amusing. When I dislike someone, I simply erase them from my life. So when others go out of their way to criticize me — as Regina George would say, why are they so obsessed with me?
They can hate all they want; I can’t hear them.
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Summary:
The author reflects on her journey of overcoming lifelong fears and insecurities, particularly the transformative experience of turning 40. Embracing her true self, she becomes unapologetic and stops seeking validation from others, leading to newfound happiness, opportunities, and genuine connections. Though she faces criticism and loses some relationships, she chooses to focus on growth and gratitude. Acknowledging the importance of certain people’s opinions, she works to improve and learn from constructive feedback while dismissing negativity from those she does not value.