I’ve been staring at a blank document for what feels like an eternity, contemplating where to start. Truth be told, I’m at a loss. My day kicked off like any other: I woke up just before dawn to tend to my little one, caring for my 21-month-old son. Once my daughter was awake, I prepared her breakfast—yogurt and Cinnamon Toast Crunch—all while wearing a smile.
“Good morning, sweetheart,” I greeted her in my cheeriest mom voice, giving her a warm hug and kiss.
But the morning wasn’t good for me, and it hasn’t been for quite some time. The reason? I live with depression, and the weight of sorrow has been heavy throughout 2020. I find myself struggling just to exist and breathe, fighting daily for the motivation to get out of bed.
From an outside perspective, you wouldn’t suspect anything is wrong. I shower every night, dress neatly, and maintain an active lifestyle. I’m engaged in various writing projects, run over 20 miles a week, and share plenty of laughter with my kids. My daughter’s lively spirit and my son’s humorous antics bring me joy.
Despite my outward appearance, I feel anything but happy. The essence of joy seems drained from my life, leaving me feeling like a mere shell of who I once was. This condition is often referred to as ‘smiling depression’ or masked depression.
“Smiling depression refers to individuals who experience depression internally while projecting a façade of happiness externally,” explains Dr. Sarah Collins in a Healthline article. The symptoms remain the same—feelings of hopelessness, sadness, and apathy are still prevalent. Those suffering from smiling depression often maintain a public persona that appears normal or even ideal. However, their reality is far different, with each day presenting a new challenge.
Behind my smile, a battle rages within me. While smiling depression isn’t formally recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), that doesn’t diminish its seriousness. My struggles are real, and my symptoms are intense.
Explaining my condition to others can be challenging. Friends see me as a devoted mother and a supportive partner. My social media profiles depict a seemingly happy, healthy life. Yet, behind closed doors, I often break down in tears—sometimes in the dark or during a run. The thoughts of self-harm creep in, becoming a troubling default. I hear the negative voices in my head that criticize my worth. I often feel unloved and believe that my relationships are built on a falsehood.
To cope, I keep myself busy, distracting myself from the truth of my situation. I engage in cooking, cleaning, and playing with my kids, all while wearing a mask of normalcy. However, smiling depression is perilous. Like any mental health issue, it poses significant risks, often intensified by the secrecy surrounding it.
Behind my cheerful facade lies a depth of struggle, pain, and deceit. “Depression often leads to thoughts of self-harm or suicide. However, some individuals with clinical depression may lack the energy to act on those thoughts,” says mental health expert, Lisa Grant, in a piece for Verywell Mind. Those with smiling depression may be at heightened risk due to their ability to function outwardly while struggling internally.
Yet, there is hope. Just like other forms of depression, smiling depression is treatable. With therapy, medication, and lifestyle adjustments, individuals can reclaim their lives.
For my part, I attend therapy sessions to face my inner demons and keep negativity at bay. I take medication to help manage my symptoms, aiming to be a better parent and partner. Each day, I rise—even when it feels insurmountable. I also speak openly about my depression because it’s crucial for my healing. I want others to understand that a smile doesn’t equate to wellness; it doesn’t mean someone is okay.
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Summary:
Living with smiling depression means navigating the complexities of internal struggles while appearing fine externally. Although it’s not formally recognized, the condition is real and often masked by a cheerful facade. Individuals may seem high-functioning, but their internal battles are intense. Treatment options are available, and speaking openly about these struggles is essential for healing.