By: Sarah Thompson
Updated: Jan. 6, 2021
Originally Published: Jan. 6, 2021
On Christmas morning, I reached out to my sister, curious about how her family was celebrating. Her children are younger than mine, and I assumed they’d be up at the crack of dawn to unwrap gifts. I was mistaken. My dear sister was on the verge of tears, lamenting, “It’s just not the same. They don’t care anymore. They didn’t even want to leave cookies or a note for Santa, and we had to wake them up this morning.”
Her message hit me hard, reminding me of the moment just a few years ago when I began experiencing similar feelings with my own kids. Initially, I felt a sense of relief—no more Santa secrets, no more hiding the elf, or sneaking into their rooms to swap a lost tooth for cash. But with that relief came a loss of magic, and I realized that a cherished phase in our relationship had faded away.
As I sat on my couch, texting my sister while my teenagers occupied their rooms, it struck me: for the first time since my kids began drifting away from our old traditions, I didn’t feel that heartache my sister was facing. I told her that I had indeed struggled in the past, and she should brace herself for the next few years as her kids pull away, dismissing things they once loved.
When they’re younger, there’s a sparkle in their eyes that encourages us to hide Easter eggs, wrap presents with care, and create festive atmospheres. It allows us to revisit our own childhoods and craft treasured memories for them. But when that sparkle dims, it can be disheartening. Instead of laughter and excitement, we face indifference and grumpy teens who are too occupied to engage in family traditions.
The transformations that pre-teens and teenagers undergo are profound and all-encompassing. For parents, it often feels like a significant loss, and it’s heartbreaking to watch them yearn for independence and friendship outside the family circle. It marks the end of a chapter—an undeniable shift in our relationships.
Seeing my children grow up—and away from me—has been one of the loneliest experiences of my life. No one warned me about this emotional journey. And even if they had, I doubt I would have been truly prepared for it. I feel sadness for myself, but I also mourn for them, as I know their innocence and childhood wonder are slipping away.
This year, however, my oldest son surprised me by coming into my room at 6:30 AM to ask when I would bake the French toast casserole. Though he claimed it was hunger that drove him to wake me, I suspect he might be missing some of that childhood magic too. While it’s not the same as when he was younger—bursting in, eager to see if Santa had come—I’ll take any moment that reminds me that no matter how much they grow apart, they are still my little ones.
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Summary:
The pre-teen years can be challenging for parents as they witness their children outgrowing childhood traditions and the magic of youth. This transition often leaves parents feeling lonely and heartbroken as they grapple with their children’s detachment and desire for independence. The emotional journey is difficult, but small moments of connection can provide reassurance that the bond remains, even as kids grow.