I’m a proud mother of an 11-year-old, a 14-year-old, and a 15-year-old. While I strive to be consistent and confident, I acknowledge my imperfections in parenting. These flaws provide me with opportunities to learn, grow, and adapt to each child’s unique needs. Like many mothers, my role is to be the parent each of my children requires. I am also human—caring and loving, and I wear my heart on my sleeve.
My eldest, my 15-year-old, the child who made me a mom and taught me the depths of love, has unintentionally broken my heart. Around the age of 13, she started to treat me dismissively. Her indifference made it seem as though nothing I said or did mattered anymore. Though she never outright said it, her actions conveyed that I was no longer significant in her life.
Friends who had experienced similar situations reassured me that this behavior was typical and that she would eventually reconnect with me. I was aware that the teenage years could be turbulent. While I never expected her to shower me with affection as she did in her younger years, her behavior felt different—daily indications that I was insignificant, that I could be nearly erased from her life without a second thought.
My husband would often remind me not to take it personally. I would respond that I was trying, but I wasn’t a robot. I understood I needed to be the calm one, yet despite my efforts, I felt overwhelmed.
For 18 months, I walked around with a heavy heart, pretending everything was fine. I drove her to club volleyball practices, high school events, and social gatherings, all while carefully balancing my interactions to avoid pushing her further away. I even had to hype myself up before talking to her, telling myself, “You can do this, Ashley.” It felt absurd, terrifying, and incredibly lonely, especially for someone like me who valued consistency. I felt flawed—not just as a parent, but as a person.
One evening, after picking the kids up from their activities, my daughter said something that struck me deeply. I don’t recall the exact words, but they shattered me. After I called for her to stop, I broke down sobbing at the foot of the stairs. She sat on the stairs, watching me without any expression. After a few moments, I told her that she could continue to feel this way, but my love for her would never change. I promised her that I would always support her, whether it was having friends over or being the first parent at her games. I declared that I would show up for her, no matter what.
My other two children were in tears, and my son shouted, “I TOLD YOU THAT YOU WERE KILLING HER!” Hearing him say that made me cry harder than I ever had. His words indicated he had tried to reach out to her, which moved me deeply. She calmly walked to her room afterward, and I felt empty, having said everything I needed to say.
The next morning, she came and lay on my bed, scrolling through her phone without speaking. That marked the beginning of a new chapter for us.
I found myself on guard when she started to act more normally toward me again, and I had to consciously make an effort to remain open. After experiencing a broken heart, it’s instinctual to protect oneself, but as her parent, I had to fight that urge. Ultimately, it was what I had hoped for; the barriers began to dissolve, and I believe it was mutual.
2020 is a year many would like to forget, but for me, it was the year I reclaimed my daughter. With the world shutting down soon after our emotional breakthrough, we found time to reconnect and learn to be together again.
My heart has healed, and I am filled with gratitude. If you’re facing a similar struggle, hang in there, mama. Stay consistent and confident. You’re not flawed in the ways that your heartache might suggest.
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Summary:
The journey of motherhood can be filled with unexpected challenges, especially during the teenage years. In this heartfelt narrative, a mother reflects on the emotional turmoil she experienced as her 15-year-old daughter began to distance herself, leading to a breakdown that ultimately paved the way for reconnection. Through perseverance and unconditional love, the mother learns to navigate the complexities of parenting and finds hope in the healing process.