In today’s world, navigating relationships can be complex, especially when it comes to understanding and supporting loved ones who identify outside the gender binary. I’ve often found myself in situations where I’d rather nibble on a sad salad than risk making anyone uncomfortable, but I’m learning to embrace discomfort for the sake of my partner.
About a year and a half ago, I began dating a remarkable individual named Riley, who identifies as nonbinary. Unlike me, Riley doesn’t have the luxury of avoiding confrontation; their life experiences have equipped them with the ability to handle challenging situations head-on. However, I acknowledge that living in a society that often fails to understand nonbinary identities is exhausting for them. For many, Riley’s existence is a source of confusion or even hostility, and for others, it requires a willingness to learn.
As Riley’s partner, I recognize that part of loving them involves clearing a path in social situations. I must become comfortable with the uncomfortable and engage in necessary confrontations, especially with family and friends. Before introducing Riley to anyone, I take it upon myself to ensure that those individuals have a basic understanding of what it means to be nonbinary and how to correctly use they/them pronouns. I refuse to expose Riley to ignorance because I didn’t do my part.
For anyone who loves a trans person, educating those around us is essential. This responsibility is even greater when it comes to nonbinary individuals, who are often the most misunderstood. Advocating for their rights and identities can take various forms. For parents, it may mean standing up for their child’s right to use the bathroom that aligns with their gender identity or pushing for gender-neutral facilities. Friends may need reminders about the correct pronouns when acquaintances falter. For partners, it could involve distancing oneself from family members who display bigotry or refuse to respect one’s loved one’s identity.
As cis people who love nonbinary individuals, we must be ready to explain they/them pronouns to those unfamiliar or unwilling to accept them. A common misconception is that “they/them” is exclusively plural. I often use the example of a lost backpack to help clarify: “Someone left their backpack on this bench. I hope they come back for it.” This illustrates that singular they/them pronouns are already part of our everyday language.
Of course, there will always be those who refuse to understand. If this intimidates you, it’s crucial to remember that our discomfort is minor compared to what our nonbinary loved ones endure daily. Everyone has a role to play as an ally, but if you care for a nonbinary person, it’s non-negotiable. You must be willing to correct misgendering and stand firm against those who refuse to accept their identity. I remind my loved ones that it’s okay not to fully understand right away, but I do need their commitment to try.
This added layer of responsibility may feel overwhelming, especially when you’re still getting used to new pronouns. However, with time, using the correct pronouns will become second nature. Ultimately, the nonbinary person you love should guide you on how to best support them. Riley appreciates that I take the initiative to inform my friends and family before they interact, which helps lessen the emotional burden on them.
Nonbinary individuals are some of the most incredible people you’ll ever meet, and loving one is a privilege that comes with a responsibility to be more than just an ally. As we continue to work towards greater understanding and acceptance, it’s our duty as cis people who care for them to educate, support, and defend.
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- How to support a nonbinary partner
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- The importance of using correct pronouns
In summary, loving someone who uses they/them pronouns requires active engagement, education, and a willingness to confront ignorance. It’s a journey that not only benefits your relationship but also contributes to a more inclusive world.