Friendship can be elusive at any stage of life, but the current climate makes it even more difficult. Personally, my closest companions hail from my college days and a select few from various jobs I’ve held over the years. Since entering parenthood, I’ve been deliberate about maintaining a tight-knit circle of friends who truly understand the unique experience of being a gay parent.
With COVID-19 lingering, sustaining friendships has become predominantly a matter of texting. As I strive to provide some semblance of normalcy for my children while encouraging their social connections, I find myself questioning whether it’s worth the effort to forge new friendships with the parents of my kids’ friends. Honestly, I’m still trying to figure that out.
Building new friendships is draining, and even more so when it comes to nurturing them. The journey of parenthood can feel isolating, starting from conception and continuing through various milestones. When my children began daycare, I anticipated forming bonds with other parents during drop-offs and pick-ups. Unfortunately, that never materialized for me. I often feel pressured to cultivate new friendships, especially given the isolation we’ve all experienced—but as an introvert, that pressure can be overwhelming.
A quick online search for “how to make friends with other parents” leads to a useful New York Times article that offers straightforward advice. The top three suggestions include: “start close to home,” “take the initiative in conversation,” and “join an online parenting group that resonates with you.” This process feels reminiscent of online dating—awkward initially until you find your rhythm. However, COVID-19 complicates these interactions even further.
Take Julia, a mother of one, who shared that she and her partner haven’t made new friendships since the pandemic started. “I don’t feel safe gathering anywhere,” she remarked. “Even during drop-offs or pick-ups, our child is handed off at the door, and we never see the inside of the daycare. This undoubtedly affects our interactions.” Perhaps she’s right; safety concerns influence how we approach the potential of new friendships. Our ability to connect with others is hindered when we can’t see their full faces, making it harder to gauge intentions and body language.
The next step—initiating conversations—is challenging enough in normal circumstances. We need to express ourselves (something we teach our kids) to not only form friendships but also to understand the type of person we’re engaging with. This task can be particularly daunting for LGBTQ individuals, as there’s always the concern about encountering closed-minded attitudes. Add the pandemic’s necessity for social distancing, and moving into comfortable conversations becomes nearly impossible.
One piece of advice from the New York Times article that resonated with me is to initiate conversations without expectations. Melanie, a mother of three, suggests that if another parent declines a hangout, it might simply be due to busyness or past friendship wounds. This perspective encourages us not to preemptively define the outcome of potential friendships, which can help mitigate disappointment when conversations fizzle.
As a gay parent, I hold high standards for those I allow into my life, but perhaps COVID-19 is teaching me to adjust my expectations and be more adaptable in how I cultivate friendships—if I choose to pursue them.
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Summary
Making friends as an LGBTQ parent can be particularly challenging during the COVID-19 pandemic, with safety concerns and social distancing complicating the process. The journey of building and maintaining friendships is exhausting, especially for introverts. With limited opportunities to interact, many find themselves questioning the effort needed to forge new connections. Adapting expectations and embracing flexibility may be key in navigating the complexities of friendships during these unprecedented times.